"Should I reopen old pains and grieve again to be free of them?"
I have suffered a rejection and simultaneously renewed contact with my family, and am in terrible emotional pain. I have been drinking every night, almost compulsively, to the point where I do not remember going to bed,who I called or what I said. Its been getting progressively worse since December when I began to feel my partner withdrawing from me. In September I started a new job, which is extremely demanding and stressful. Also in the fall I began to renew contacts with my parents.
My balance is gone. I had just learned to love me, after years of therapy and marital counseling and self-help books and effort, etc. I divorced two years ago, after just learning that I love me. I had left my entire family (and they all let me go without a word, gesture or act that they cared or would miss me. They didn't even know where I lived for 2 years.) I have been afraid to be alone, and am so so so lonely alone. I have always suffered this. I hate it, and can't motivate to move off the couch when I am alone. I became involved with someone, who's gentle inward, ordered, and emotionally blocked person. He is such a good person inside though, and I would love to be as "normal" meaning grounded as he is. (I'd keep my ability to be emotionally open and expressive though). I never fake anything, am direct and honest, and try to mean what I say. And I mean that I am in a terrible amount of pain. I stopped therapy, and stopped taking Serafem (Prozac 10 mg daily) after he rejected me three weeks ago. He rejected me because I am jealous and easily insecure. I became insecure in December after an incident that I'm unsure if I misread. Since then, I have not been able to believe that he loves me. He later admitted he did pull away from me then, because I frightened him with my insecurity.
I am very very self aware, and I felt I'd forgiven my folks and siblings (via accepting their dysfunctions). The history is that my father and mother don't love me, which hurts. They did the minimum, but always were unable to know me and appreciate me and my worth and value and my achievements. I still do not understand why, I just understand they are flawed. My father and mother controlled us as children, severely isolating us from any other people. My father verbally, emotionally and physically abused me and my sister for years. They favored the oldest, the son and the youngest. I am third out of five. Although I am grateful to my sister for also being beaten, she bullied me tremendously and deeply.
The incident that made me so insecure recently involved a woman who reminds me of my aggressive sister. My sister took every boyfriend's heart from me. I believe she is very jealous I have been able to be happy. The reason I finally left the family at age 31 was because they wouldn't help me to stop her behavior. I'd asked for them to interven and speak to her as I'd already tried. Their responses have been pretty much help yourself, you're too oversensitive and Well, your sister has that personality, we just have to put up with it. Since I left the family five years ago, my other siblings did not speak to me because I'd "left the family". And they're just beginning now to talk to me since I've renewed contact with my folks.
In order to have the current relationship with my parents, I have promised to stay on safe topics, and not relive old issues. Since T rejected me three weeks ago as being too insecure, I am way way gone and in pain. It's like I don't think I'll ever be okay enough to live a life I wanted to live. I'm so angry that my past, my upbringing, what's happened to me, is not fixable. I did so want to be free of them. And sad that I feel I can't. I was raped at fourteen that I was too afraid to tell my mother, that when I did finally tell in anger at age 24 - it was turned on me. I did address him to obtain closure. I was semi-molested through high school. My parents most likely knew but were busy elsewhere. I grew up as the diplomat/ supporter / provider/ listener of all woes in my family. I was always the helpful nice but oversensitive one. Thank you for reading me and my words.
Hi - Well, quite a lot is showing up for you. Although it sounds as if you have, as you said, a certain level of self awareness, there is always the next step to take, and another level of wisdom, understanding, and inner power to grow into. And that is what is showing up for you. Crisis appears when we are ready to move on, when it is time to take another step in your spiritual unfoldment. Just as the butterfly knows when it's time to leave the cocoon, so the soul knows when to break free of limiting patterns and boundaries. For you, the big message is: change your circumstances by changing your thoughts. Although you see what has caused a lot of your issues, and you see your insecurity, you have still not taken full responsibility to change your life by changing your own inner patterns, thoughts, and beliefs. As long as you still live from a place of feeling betrayed, feeling that others have done something "to you", or victimized you, it is difficult to heal or move on, for victims never heal. Only when you take charge and become the Creator of your own life, which means taking responsibility for what YOU think, feel, and believe, and know that that is what has created and still creates the outer circumstances of your life, only then will your life change. It is clear to me that you have not yet taken this step because you say, in your letter:
"It's like I don't think I'll ever be okay enough to live a life I wanted to live. I'm so angry that my past, my upbringing, what's happened to me, is not fixable. I did so want to be free of them. And sad that I feel I can't."Well, you can be pessimistic about life, (a choice), or you can be free of anything YOU choose to be free of. Do you see how this attitude is the place that you haven't gone to yet, but it is important that you evolve into - instead of being a victim? Self awareness at a higher level of consciousness doesn't mean seeing what others "did to you". Self awareness is seeing how you create your own reality from your own, internal, energetic landscape. If you haven't done so, read The Laws of the Universe found on this site, until it really clicks in, and you get some ahas. What we believe is always a CHOICE, once we are aware that we are making that choice to believe, feel, or think a certain way. It's always up to you.
So, what is also showing up for you is that you have lived your life from the issue, or belief, or energetic frequency that you are a square peg in a round hole - that you don't fit. And that causes a belief in, and situations of, rejection to occur. To heal, one of the things you must do is let go of this square peg feeling. For all of the issues that need recognition and transformation that I will offer you here, I invite you to use the formula for changing core beliefs found in the Laws of the Universe.
When we have emptied ourselves sufficiently of our obsolete and encumbering inventory, energy comes to us and gathers itself naturally. Breathing gathers energy and helps it circulate. When enough of it coalesces, it turns into power. By storing energy, we can dissolve our preconceptions of the world and the body, thus making room for other possibilities. You use the stored energy to strengthen your bond with Spirit - your own, inner source.
You need to do a lot of healing in your 2nd chakra. This chakra deals with the spleen, which acts as a protector for the body. The 2nd chakra regulates the supply of oxygen to the body, helps form new blood cells, and life force energy. When you are insecure and anxious, these functions are impaired, and you also do not give yourself the needed quality of boundaries and self protection. Appropriately, the 2nd chakra is found at the genital/pelvic area of the body, and deals with sexuality, with being able to give and receive mental, emotional, and physical pleasure. Or, when there is distortion, the opposite can occur and abuse can be created. To help with this feeling of being anxious or threatened, it would be a good thing for you to find a special stone that you breathe your anxieties into, whenever you feel them. Then, to cleanse the stone, place it in salt water for a couple of hours. Bless and give thanks to the water, salt, and stone for helping you in this way.
The 2nd chakra also deals with masculine and feminine balancing - when your masculine and feminine energy are balanced, you have your own, built in protection, will power ( male energy), sensitivity, creativity( feminine energy) and clear boundaries in place appropriately. It is very important for you to GET TO KNOW YOURSELF IN RELATION TO YOURSELF ALONE, NOT IN REGARDS TO ANYONE ELSE. You feel very lonely, but much of this loneliness comes because you are emotionally dependent upon other people, instead of upon yourself, for your happiness and security - also an issue of self responsibility.
RESPONSIBILITY IS THE ABILITY TO fulfill ONE'S NEEDS AND TO DO SO IN A WAY THAT DOES NOT HARM ONESELF OR DEPRIVE OTHERS OF THE ABILITY TO fulfill THEIR NEEDS.
RESPONSIBILITY IS THE ABILITY TO BE WHO YOU ARE IN YOUR FULLNESS
When healing this chakra, is is important to explore the following questions:
Even if you are not adept at being visual or seeing these colors, just by saying to yourself that that color is there will begin the healing for you.
To finish, surround yourself with a beautiful, glowing white light. Visualize it totally filling you up from head to toe as well. There are actually minor chakras, or light intersection points, which function and serve as intersecting energy vortexes in the body, bringing energy into the physical body from the universal energy grid. Besides the major seven centers, these minor chakra points number144, to be exact. Simply ask that they all be lit up with white light - similar to imagining oneself lit up like a bright starry sky or a Christmas tree.
Reading Caroline Myss's wonderful book, Anatomy of the Spirit, will help you very much to regain your own sense of power. It takes you through the chakra system, and much more. Since your 1st chakra also needs healing - that deals with the will to live, with family issues, and issues of feeling supported by the tribe, I think it would be great if you got a copy and read it.
Although dealing with abuse is a painful and often very difficult thing to deal with in life, and one of the hardest issues to face, nevertheless, something created it happening to you - There is an issue showing up for you of lack of boundaries, which would allow abuse to happen in your life - and also a lack of will power, which causes you to feel threatened and to live from fear. Fear vibrations manifest fearful situations, as like attracts like. Both of these areas need to be addressed. You are needing to cultivate more discipline and let go of a kind of sloppiness you live in - does that resonate with you? To do this, I invite you to say the following, 3 times a day for the next 2 years:
"I sponsor myself to the Creator, the Cosmic All, the Masters, and the Creator Entity to have the re-fill of the Creator's consciousness and energies: will power 119.475."(That number is the vibrational frequency of the quality of will power.)
You need to make peace with what happened - to see gain, what you gained from creating these experiences for yourself, not loss. Issues of betrayal, which again go back to victim energy, need to be released. What needs to be looked at here, when healing a belief in betrayal, is: "In what ways have I abandoned or betrayed myself?" If you have abandoned or betrayed yourself, then you will create situations of abandonment and betrayal. Also, ask, what was my soul's brilliance and purpose for experiencing and creating these situations in this lifetime? What did I learn, and what am I teaching myself to understand and gain?
A wonderful technique for releasing old energy patterns is the following:
First, think of the things you are afraid of, for example, losing your job, getting older, not having enough money, losing your health or your relationships. Now release all those things as well as all the negative thoughts, feelings and emotions you are holding on to such as guilt, anger, hate, abandonment, separation, betrayal, grief, sorrow or sadness, feelings of being helpless, hopeless, used or trapped. Release feelings of pain, hurt and jealousy and all your different fears. Release all the feelings and projections of others that you have bought into.Now, are you ready to do something very different and unique, perhaps the most unusual thing anyone has ever asked you to do? Release all the positive memories you are holding on to from your past. How many of you are holding on to the best Christmas you can remember? How many of you are holding on to the best present you ever received, your first car, your first apartment, the first accomplishment you ever had, your greatest success, or a happy, loving time when you were with your family? Food, sunsets, flowers, everything -- release it all. How many of you are holding on to all these events and feelings from your past, using them to judge every single experience you are creating today? Are you judging every experience of how it feels to be kissed now, to be held or to be hugged in comparison to a time in the past? Release every single thing you are holding on to from your past, keeping you from being in the present moment, experiencing things for the first time.
It is important to know, as we release these positive experiences, that we keep the wisdom, the knowledge and the joy of these events. All we are doing is releasing the energetic charges we are holding on to which still cause us to have judgments and make comparisons today.
The most positive things we are holding on to have more of an energetic charge than the negative things we are afraid of. Think about that. We are always doing our best to heal the negative things from our past but we don't realize we are also judging every single thing that happens to us now, comparing it to the old way we may have experienced it in the past. Once we have completed releasing all of the positive experiences we have been holding on to, either shower or bathe with fresh water. Releasing all the negative and positive experiences we have been energetically holding on to will enable us to stay present in the moment
It would be good for you to make a Decree asking for Divine Restoration - to restore to you your ability to love yourself, to set appropriate boundaries, to restore your own sense of self worth and inner power. Ask Spirit for Divine assistance - twice daily, and then allow yourself to open to receive blessings. This is the opposite of pessimism, and thinking that nothing can change, true?
To help you also with this, I invite you to do a shamanic journey to find and work with your Power animal. I've enclosed the instructions for that below.
Use of Color healing would be good for you as well. Surround yourself with, and wear, and eat foods the color of yellow, for happiness, warmth, knowledge, for dealing with fear and confusion. Confusion means you have given your power away.
You have a hole in your aura that needs to be repaired so that energy isn't leaked out: to do this, to repair the aura - hold your arms out straight,at your sides, with fingers open. Make little circles in reverse motion for 1 minute When finished, bring fingers together and place hands to shoulders for a few seconds. I'd do this twice in a 2 day period of time.
To support you physically with this healing, I invite you to look into taking the DHEA supplement complex for women, and also to go to a good chiropractor for a spinal adjustment, and other corrections.
There is someone's energy attached to you that you need to release, someone who is emotionally dependent on YOU. To do this, read the article on cutting cords listed at the end of the home page on this site, and follow the technique given there. Also, to help with this, you can say the following prayer:
"Archangel Raphael, please enter my body and heal any imbalances and impurities that may have come from thoughts of anger or fear. Archangel Michael, please clear away anyone in the spirit world or material world who is not in my highest and best good. To the guardian angels of _____________ (person who is attached or perhaps may be sending you bad energy) I ask that you help to bring harmony and peace to this situation and to replace all pain with peace. I ask that all effects of mistakes and issues creating the difficulty be undone in all directions of time, by and for everyone concerned. Thank you."Blessings, Ayal
Shamanic Power Animal Journey
Get comfortable in a quiet place where you won't be disturbed for at least 40 minutes. Light a candle, and then do some slow, deep breathing to fully relax. As with doing any sacred ceremony, you may want to set up a protection around yourself and state an intention that only that energy which is your true Spirit of Unconditional Love and Life Force energy be with you and given to you. It would be good also to set up a cocoon of white light around yourself before you begin which puts this in place also. You can ask for guidance and protection from Great Spirit, the Creator, God, etc. That way you are very clear what your intention is and what you will only allow into your space. Lighting white candles is a good idea as they represent light and purity.
When you are fully relaxed, imagine that you are walking along a path that leads to a special place that you have actually seen before, a place that leads into the earth. This can be a cave, a hole in the ground, a hole in a tree, a rock overhang, etc. As you imagine walking along this path, use your imaginary senses to really be there - smell the air, feel the ground underneath your feet, notice the colors and sounds around you, feel the air against your skin. Take it all in. When you get to that place which leads into the earth, which is for you alone and no one else, enter into it, again using all your senses to explore the area for a bit. Feel if the walls are smooth or rough, wet or dry - if the air is cooler, etc.
Then, you will notice that there is a long tunnel leading down into the earth from this entranceway. Follow it down deeper and deeper into the earth. Allow the journey to take you as it will. Release any need to control it. Let happens what happens and just stay present with the experience. While you follow this tunnel deeper into the earth, hold in your mind and heart the intention that this journey is for you to connect to your power animal, your medicine ally. That is what you are there for. Eventually, you will notice that the tunnel ends at another entranceway. This entranceway leads you into the world of the Animal Spirits. This world is consists only of a world of nature. Natural landscapes are everywhere. There are animals everywhere - in the trees, grasses, by the rivers, on the mountains, etc. Notice what it looks like, what the landscape is like where you have arrived into this world. Leave the tunnel and begin to walk out into this world. Again, use all your senses as you explore this world. Notice what time of day or night it is, what's around you, the sounds and colors, the smells, the feeling of the air against your skin, how the earth feels under your feet, etc.
Walk in this world taking it all in, holding your intention to meet your medicine ally, until an animal approaches you. When it does, ask it if it is your power animal. If it says yes, you may then journey on with it, learning about it, sharing with it, bonding with it, and asking for any help or guidance or answers you may need. If it says no, it is not your ally, continue walking until you meet the right one. When it is time to leave this spirit world, ask your power animal for a gift, and give it a gift in return. Ask how you can call upon it when you need to, and ask also if you need to keep what it is and what it shares with you private. When it is time to go, say goodbye, and thank you. Then, return to the tunnel and walk back up out of the passageway until you return to the entrance where you entered into the earth. Walk back along your path, and return to the room where you are visioning from. Take some time to fully come back into your body, bringing ALL of yourself back, filling up all of your body with yourself, all the way to finger tips and toes and eyelashes. If you choose to, you can write in a journal about what you learned and what guidance you were given. Take some time to integrate this experience. Don't go out into the world too fast or try to do too much afterwards. Drink water, and Remember to blow out the candles!
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