"This world baffles me and the idiots I have to share it with"
I am now 30. I have 2 beautiful girls–6, and 10 months. Their mother and I are together but never married, but this is not the issue. Well, all my life I have felt so very different. I am not a social person at all and it's a wonder I ever met anyone that would put up with me. Not a self-esteem issue or anything, I just know what an arse I can be sometimes. I am not violent and I don't like to yell or hear yelling even. I guess I had heard enough from my parents fighting. I was a loner growing up and I still have very few friends. I am sensitive like my mother but I learned to toughen up, mostly through school. I still have to have a lot of "me" time and it is hard on everyone else. I do try to limit it but I am agitated if I don't get this time alone. I know she thinks I'd rather spend time by myself than with her and I guess sometimes she is right but Its not that I don't love her its a problem that I have.
Lately I feel depressed! Everything goes up but my paycheck. Both of my kids have been sick. One has severe allergies. Anyway, the visits to the doctor keep me broke. If we didn't have enough hardships the school took us to court for negligence for her missing so much school. What is the world coming to? I mean 38 days and they are all excused for doctor visits. Luckily it was thrown out with a technicality but we also found out in court that the school has a mold problem. Here I am in court because of them when it could be their school causing her to be miserable. This world baffles me and the idiots I have to share it with. Anyway I could go on and on but I'll step down now. I would like to say though that one thing that keeps me going and gives me a semblance of normality is my kids. I love them and I am very protective of them. I also have recurring Deja Vu.
Sorry about the ramblings but this is the way I think, unfortunately for others I speak the same way also. My 6 year old is showing the same traits. Just like me she rambles on and off the subject sometimes stopping dead forgetting what her point was. I don't know how I can expect you to help from these mindless ramblings. The only thing I can say is that I feel lost in this world. I feel like I am just getting by until my day comes. I am not happy and it's nobody's fault. I guess my problem is I don't know who I am or what I am supposed to do. Can you help me? Thanks for your time.
Hi - first, before you read the rest of this, I'd like for you to say (and mean) the following:
Often we feel lost from the beginning, because there was a painful absence of love, ease, and security in our lives - as you said - your parents fought a lot - and it broke your heart. However, we come into such a family with such painful issues because we have to learn the same life lessons our parents came in to (hopefully) learn - which was to find and grow self love, to nurture and discover deep compassion and depth of character. The place to look for these wonderful, life supporting qualities is not without yourself, but within yourself. You can only see the world from your own eyes, and if your own eyes see yourself as lacking... and you do not know how to support or truly love yourself, then how can the world look otherwise to you?
RESPONSIBILITY IS THE ABILITY TO fulfill ONE'S NEEDS AND TO DO SO IN A WAY THAT DOES NOT HARM ONESELF OR DEPRIVE OTHERS OF THE ABILITY TO fulfill THEIR NEEDS.
RESPONSIBILITY IS THE ABILITY TO BE WHO YOU ARE IN YOUR FULLNESS
Often as children, when we see pain around us in our homes and in those we love, we can take that pain within ourselves - we absorb it and turn it inward, against ourselves. This then becomes a pattern or self punishing behavior. There is no need to punish yourself. Again, whatever you do to yourself, you will do to the world. What would it feel like not to punish yourself or feel that you are not enough? What would it feel like to support yourself and be at peace, knowing that you ARE enough?
Often people who have these deep issues of support will manifest spinal problems. If you have some, first, go to a good chiropractor, but at the same time, to heal it, you must deal with this issue on this deeper level. Often, if a chiropractor is deeply attuned and works on these other levels as well, it can help with many things, including allergies.
Allergies, in their ultimate essence, are a rejection of some part of life - an inability to accept that part of life. In other words, it is an issue of rejection. Perhaps if you heal this self rejection in yourself, your daughter will possibly heal also.
I suggest that both you and your daughter need a more alkaline diet. This balances the emotions as well as the physical body. Read up on it, and see what you can do to restore this balance through healthier eating habits.
Also, for you, this is a good prayer to say, 3 times a day for 3 weeks:
Also, pressing and holding the acupressure points located directly under the end of each collar bone on the end near the heart ( they will probably be tender) for releasing grief, would be good for you - 4 times a day for 3 months.
Holotropic Breathwork would also be great for you. I invite you to look it up on the net for a practitioner near you, and have at least, as a minimum, 6 sessions.
Read about calling your spirit back in the article listed at the end of the home page of this website, and follow the instructions for calling your spirit back into present time. When you ramble and get lost in knowing what you were saying, I think it's because a lot of you is not truly present and with yourself. You can teach your daughter to do this as well, once you learn how. It's all about learning to live consciously. Here is something to ponder regarding that.
Two Fish in a Zoo
The following study was done with 2 fish in an Australian fish zoo...
They took 1 barracuda and 1 mullet and put them in the same fish tank - which was divided with a clear glass window, so each fish could not swim to the other side of the fish tank where the other fish was. Lets call the barracuda Barry and the mullet Molly. Barracudas eats mullets - and they REALLY love mullets... As soon as the Barry saw Molly he cruised thru the water to eat him - but was stopped by the glass window that separated the tank in 2 halves... Barry tried again...and again...and again - each time he was stopped by the glass window/plate. Over the next few weeks Barry got a very sore nose and stopped hunting Molly. The scientists then removed the glass window that separated the tank in 2 sides... and Molly swam happily around in all the tank. Even when Molly was just a few inches away from Barry - then Barry did not try to hunt him at all. Why is that?
Well, Barry had learned that hunting mullets equals pain - so Barry would rather starve, even though nice fresh food was just inches away from his razor sharp teeth. What can you learn from this, really - it is just a fish, right? Well, we all have our own fish tank we live in - this "fish tank" is determined by our beliefs, which again are largely made up of what society, teachers, parents, friends, lovers, family, bosses, etc have told us to believe, as well as our own "experiences" (like Barry's). So, if Barry could completely change his natural behavior from hunting mullets to not hunting mullets - then it is quite likely that the same thing happens for all of us, to some degree.
The point is that old, unclear, or false beliefs and ingrained energetic patterns can and do run your life. You saw life as painful - full of conflict and lack of support for yourself - your parents were so busy fighting that they probably didn't nurture or attend to you as they needed to - and you made a decision early on that life was an unsafe, unsupportive place, and you have continued to believe this and feel angry about it. But that is living life as a victim. Victims never heal, because they believe they have no power to do so. Victims see everyone as having power over them. They see everyone as having power but themselves. That is a false belief.
Here is some important info on victim consciousness that I invite you to read and think about:
The Victim - From self-pity to empowerment
Don't be misled by the name of this archetype. When properly recognized, the Victim can alert you to the possibility that you are about to let yourself be victimized, whether through passivity or inappropriate actions. It can also help you recognize your own tendency to victimize others for personal gain. We need to develop this clarity of insight, however, and that means learning the nature and intensity of the Victim within.
In its shadow manifestation, the Victim tells you that you are always taken advantage of and it's never your fault. We may like to play the Victim at times because of the positive feedback we get in the form of sympathy or pity. Our goal is always to learn how to recognize these inappropriate attitudes in ourselves or others, and to act accordingly. We are not meant to be victimized in life, but to learn how to handle challenges and outrun our fears.
In establishing contact with your own inner Victim, ask yourself:
- Do I blame others for the circumstances of my life?
- Do I spend time in the pit of self-pity?
- Do I envy others who always seem to get what they want out of life?
- Do I feel victimized by others when situations don't work out the way I wanted them to?
- Do I tend to feel more powerless than powerful?
- Do I speak to others in the language of my wounds, aches, and pains, troubles?
- Do I seek sympathy from others when in conversation?
- Do I seek to compete or to prove myself?
- Do I feel that I cannot protect myself very well in life?
- Do I feel that I cannot get what I need?
The victim archetype is deeply ingrained in all of us. It pervades our mass consciousness at all levels. Could you honestly say that you have never blamed someone else for your lack of happiness? For eons we have been acting out "victimhood" in every aspect of our lives, convincing ourselves that victim consciousness is absolutely fundamental to the human condition and that fear, anger, greed and guilt are the essential components to our survival.
The time has come to challenge that assumption and to ask ourselves two questions:
- What sustains our view of ourselves as victim?
- How can we transform the self-as-victim archetype so we can have a life based not on fear and greed but on unconditional love and support for each other?
At the level of everyday reality, the victim archetype is woven into the very fabric of life and has been for the last 7,000 years. That's when we began making the transition from small tribal communities based on sharing, cooperation and shared security, to city states and later to nation states. These are based on Competition and separation of groups by class, wealth and other criteria and the rotation of elites. Slavery in one form or another (institutionalized or economic) is a feature of all nation states and there is virtually no shared security. In other words we have created a world of separation, insecurity, mistrust, greed and fear institutionalized into every one of our social systems, including our religions. 9/11 is a stark demonstration of that separation and of the victim/perpetrator archetype in action - just as we have created it.
The second question is more challenging. Changing the social fabric of society will not weaken the victim archetype. It is too ingrained. It will just resurface in a different form. No, to break free from such a powerful archetype, we must replace it with something radically different - something so compelling and spiritually liberating that it magnetizes us away from our well-worn and comfortable addiction to being a victim. That something is Radical Forgiveness. Also known as: "You Create Your Own Reality".
Radical Forgiveness obliterates the belief in separation by taking us beyond the drama and the illusion of our lives and the "stories" we fabricate about virtually everything. It enables us to see the spiritual big picture and to know the truth - that there is only Love.
As we awaken to that truth we shall see the true meaning of our suffering and be able to transform it immediately - releasing the perception of self-as-victim. We will understand that, without exception, everything that happens to us is divinely guided, purposeful and for our spiritual advancement.
We shall see that our experiences are exactly as we needed and chose them to be; that nothing wrong ever took place; that no-one was ever victimized and, consequently, that there is no-one to forgive!
Knowing that our life is guided in this way allows us to find true peace even in the most unpleasant of situations or memories - and we are released from the bondage of the past. Knowing that our enemies really love us (at the soul level) and are here only to teach us, enables our hearts to open in love and appreciation. As the love is felt and expressed, our so-called "problems" simply dissolve and we find ourselves at all times "in the flow" of life.
True forgiveness then, is not as is widely regarded, 'letting bygones be bygones' while holding on to the idea that something wrong happened. It is letting go of our victim selves, seeing the perfection in everything and awakening to the truth that we are already home in God. That's RADICAL Forgiveness and though it is hard to imagine that it can change the world as it is today, the truth is that it can - one heart at a time.
When coming from being The Victim, your ability to be all that you can be is undermined due to a loss of power - of giving your power away and not accepting that you are the Creator of your reality: that whatever shows up in your external world as difficult relationships or events is due to patterns of belief and thought forms that you, yourself, still carry within you. No one else can create in your reality but you. Therefore, whatever shows up in your external world is a reflection of something within yourself. No one can take your power away, but you can AGREE to give it away. Check into beliefs you have regarding competitiveness. Do you feel the need to compete or to prove yourself in any way? If so, there may be underlying issues of self worth going on. Do you have any beliefs that it's someone else's fault, or some external situation that has kept you from being all that you can be? If so, take full responsibility, and see what happens!
It's time to start being the pilot of your own life - instead of being just a passenger in the plane.
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight between two wolves. One is evil - filled with anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and judgment."
"The other is good - filled with joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."
"This same fight is going on inside of you - and inside of every other person". The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked, "Which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee replied, "The one you feed."
Give yourself some time to heal. Read good information on how to take responsibility for your life - including The Laws of the Universe found on this site, and do the inner work you need to do to heal yourself. Writing in was a great start.
P.S. Don't even look to your children to fulfill you or make life worth living - that is a terrible and too great of a burden to place on them. Then, if you are unhappy, they will see it as their fault. It is up to you to give yourself the love you need - not them. That will distort and cripple them. You can certainly love them - but do so without needing their love. Offer yours without neediness or expectation. Just give love without strings. Otherwise, it is not love. It is need. You must fill up yourself and your own hunger by claiming yourself and being all that you can be - by loving yourself and being at peace with yourself. Do not put the burden for your life or your happiness onto them. It is YOUR job to fulfill yourself.