Clearing the Way"When my husband looks at other women with interest, he makes me feel insecure"
Hello Ayal! Your name sounds very nice, i like it! Remindes me of something in arabic that means something like "my sweetheart".. Very nice! My name is Broni. I have a problem that will probably sound silly and immature to you, but i just can't get out of this vicious circle.. I wish i could be "me".. the happy smiley girl who he, my husband, fell in love with.. i wish i could be just like before... i married the guy i didn't really know for too long.. (a year... but only 3 months spent together really.) The reason was the "visa situation"..
Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful man, a very caring man and i love him very much and i think he loves me too but well... We met couple years ago and fell in love. It wasn't a teenager's love affair, we were both over 30.. so we went through some relationships before.. and weren't about to "make the same mistake again"... And he was just soooo wonderful all the way.. he made me feel like no man has ever made me feel, LOVED AND SECURE.. I felt like im his only girl and i was very happy and content. I felt he really is commited to me, i felt im in Heaven! I was soooooooooo in love!! Until we moved in together and got married.. I still love him very much, but that's when i started to see, that he's just like my exboyfriend when it comes to other women.. I realized that i run away from one who's making me feel insecure (my ex) .. but eventually married another one like that anyway.. I don't know how come i never saw it before. I sometimes wish we dated for longer because if he made me feel like this before we got married i'd probably change my mind.. since "i've been there done that"... and no more thank you...
Well i never did see him looking at other women with interest, because i never saw him "looking at other girls".. Opposite! I remember one night when i confessed to my girlfriend that i feel so good, because he doesn't make me feel... well like men before did.. Insecure and not good enough.. because there were many beautiful people... but he just didn't care. He really was making me feel like i can trust him and that he can be surrounded by the most beautiful women and i would never ever think he's interested in them. And you know i still don't think he wouldn't cheat on me... it's not that. It's just that when i see him looking at other girls, i get very jealous and i can't help it, i hate him then and it takes me a long time to forget about it and i simply don't like the way i treat him then.. Im just quiet, im not talking to him much and im hurting inside.. I feel im failing somewhere and i don't know what to do. I wish he never showed me "his other side", i wish i never saw him looking at other girls, because i'd be still happy and i'd make him happy then too.. Like this im being bitchy, and i don't like it. It's just not me.. I told him once that he doesn't make me feel the way he used to. I told him i feel like a complete idiot and that if he cared about me he'd "hear" what im saying.. cause i don't think i can say it again... express the way i feel... well cause it's silly to be jealous for no obvious reason other than "looking"... right? But i am! And he said it's good you told me Broni 'cause i was unaware that me looking at the girls is making you feel that way.. And he said he understands.. and that he'll work on it... promises.. He also lied to me a couple times, (spying on me on the computer..) denying it and telling me lies into my eyes and i was hurt by that.. and now i just can't trust him again, no matter how i try.. I trusted him million percent before, but now i feel he has things to hide, i feel im being watched all the time somehow.. (he's a secret agent so he has ways..) and im simply not happy, im giving him a hard time and im closing up... slowly but surely.. I feel it's getting worse and worse. Im starting being jealous even because his exgirlfriend sends him a postcard saying Love Connie..
I miss him, i miss our love, i miss those days when we were sooooooo happy... Where did i go wrong? I really feel like an idiot and if i can't change, i think, maybe i should withdraw and stop making his and my life miserable... especially his.
But that'd be the last option. My heart is aching, please help. I want to make this work. Thank You for listening!
Hi - well, I'm not going to go into this much with you, because what you need first is an understanding that it's not possible for anyone else to "make you" feel either good, or bad, ugly or beautiful. No one else can "make" you feel anything. What I hear is that you are not taking any responsibility, yourself, for how you feel. You are not understanding that YOU create how you feel, in every moment, whatever you feel, from inside of you. Instead, you are thinking that what you feel depends upon what others do, or don't do. That is not true. That is being emotionally dependent. When you are living from a place of being emotionally dependent upon what others do, thinking that what THEY do causes you to feel a certain way, as you describe throughout your letter ("he made me feel this way"), that leads to the kind of paranoia you are also describing. This is because you feel helpless. When one feels helpless, they become frightened. You are frightened and feeling lost because you are not coming from a place of strength or power within yourself.
Since you are not realizing that you are the one who has to develop the inner strength to respond differently to life, to respond from your own choices, inner authority, and power, every thing someone else does, then, can seem threatening, as you think it's entirely in their hands, and not yours - that it's entirely up to them how you feel. That puts you in a powerless and helpless place - the place of the victim. When you come from a place of inner power, you do not feel so helpless, because it is up to you to create feeling good about yourself, from the inside - it's not his job to make you feel secure or good about yourself. It's up to you to develop inner security and strength and to go through life feeling good about yourself. No one else can do that for you.
I strongly invite you to read the Laws of the Universe found on this site, that goes into more detail about this. Read it until you really understand what it's saying, and then start living by those principles, if that feels right to you. Until you understand this, there's not much else I can tell you.
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