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Clearing the Way

"I am blocking myself from winning of the social repercussions"

Hello Ayal

I have a question I hope you can help me with. I was an athlete as a child. A very good athlete. Articles were written about me in national newspapers and I had hundreds of ribbon, trophies, and medals. The problem I faced was none of my peers liked me. I wasn't competitive then because I didn't have to focus or try hard to win. It all came naturally so I didn't feel I had some special knowledge others didn't have. To me it was all fun. But I felt left out and alienated. My teammates liked that I helped them win but they never invited me to their parties or sleepovers or to the movies. Later they'd say "we didn't think you liked those things" or "we don't like you." My coach would tell me people were jealous of me because I could do things they couldn't, but I didn't believe him. Soon I became afraid to win because of how rejected I felt afterwards. I even gained 139 pounds. I didn't realize how much that hurt me then. What I am able to see is the same pattern in my life.

Eventually I stopped playing sports and focused on the more cerebral aspect of my personality and interests and now in college I have people who compete with me over insignificant opportunities or undermine and disrespect me in public to level me. I still feel rejected and alienated. People only speak to me or accept my friendship when they feel they will be able to connect with my abilities and succeed vicariously through me. Once they get what they want then they insult me or start rumors about me. The same as in my childhood.

But now, this year I am beginning to find it difficult to dig into internal resources to accomplish things. It's as if I am blocking myself from succeeded so that I won't continue to be prey. I decided it was time to lose all that weight so this year I lost it. It was the first time in several years that I felt that disciplined aspect of myself that used to reveal itself in sports. But I still feel distanced from that inner winning power and spirit I used to have. I am blocking myself from winning because I feel uncomfortable with the social repercussions of it. Its sounds so silly and weak to me but I identify this with my child self that still hurts. I realize I drew these people into my life in order to help me get over this issue and several years later I don't seem to have learned a thing because I am lonely, rejected, sad, just like in childhood. Unlike childhood, I am no longer a winner. Will getting involved with sports again help me connect with that missing piece of myself? Please help me?

Hello - Well, I am happy to help you with this, but I think it will help you also to read the Laws of the Universe found on the Clearing the Way site. As I read your letter, it was clear to me that you are still coming from victim consciousness - the state of mind that thinks that others are "doing things to you". Although you are aware to some extent that you are creating the same patterns, and that you are drawing these situations and people to you to work out your issues, still, I got the sense from the way you phrased things that there is still a significant amount of victim thinking going on. When you say: "people only speak to me or accept my friendship when they feel they will be able to connect with my abilities and succeed vicariously through me," that sounds like some big belief system going on that you will be used and misused by others.

Denial and not speaking your truth are showing up for you in a big way.

You need to cut the cords to all the parts of you that got something out of having this problem. I think what you got out of having it is the opportunity to hurt yourself, because there is an issue showing up for you called "self punishing behavior." If you believe that you aren't good enough, then it makes sense to me that putting out an energy that creates people rejecting you will hurt you. Do you think or believe that you deserve to be hurt? If so, where did that belief originate from? That will be important for you to discover. If you created people not wanting to be your friends, then on some level you believed that you were not worth it, that people would not value you for being you, and they simply picked up on that and mirrored it back to you.

There are issues showing up that have to do with family rejection and feeling that you are unable to provide for life's necessities for yourself. To take care of yourself, in other words. There is an issue showing up for you about feeling inadequate, and also feeling hatred. What's that about? Did you, by any chance, believe that your family did not love you for being you, but only loved you for your ability to perform well as an athlete and win? I get a 100% yes that's true on that one. Can you see then, how, if you believed that your family only loved you for whatever status you could supply them, then how could anyone else care for you, if your own family did not, for just being you? If you are angry and feel some hatred about this, or toward your family for this, and you haven't spoken your truth about it to them, then your option would be to turn all that anger and hatred inward, upon yourself - and then, voila: self punishing behavior.

Was there, also, down deep, some arrogance on your part that you WERE better than others? Because arrogance is the flip side of feeling not good enough, and it is often a strategy we develop to compensate for those other feelings about ourselves. If you have an issue of denial going on, then that means that you have not been seeing yourself or perhaps what happened in your family, honestly. Your self esteem has been dependent upon others, up until now, and it will be important, crucial, for you to find that love and support for yourself, within yourself.

So, there is some anger going on for you about this whole deal that happened regarding competition that you need to clear, as well as pessimism and morbid thoughts. When I need to release large chunks of emotion, I find a safe place where I can be alone, and I just let it come up, like a big wind, and blow through me, sort of like sweating on the physical plane. You feel it completely, and let it blow away. As there are layers to our wounds and feelings, you may need to do this many more times, when you feel the need to.

There is a hole in your aura that you need to close. To do that, stand with your arms out to the sides at 90 degree angles, with your elbows bent and your fingers closed. On one hand, allow your thumb to be under the fingers, and on the other have the thumb out. Alternate putting the thumbs in and out for 1 minute. You can also do the breath of fire with this: to do the breath of fire, breathe out strongly through your nose, and inhale immediately, quickly and strongly, through your nose. Keep breathing like this with no waiting between inhales and exhales, almost as if the exhale is a sort of snort. Let your abdomen cave in as you exhale. However, the breath of fire is a very, very strong, purifying breath, and you will need to build up to it. Start by doing if for 20 seconds. Make sure you drink water afterwards.

So, read the Laws of the Universe until you really get some "ahas" for yourself, and also, if you choose to do this, speak your intention that you are now willing to release being in denial and that you are willing to look at yourself honestly. Affirm your capability to handle whatever it is that you need to handle. Obviously you have a great deal of inner strength already, or you would not have had either the discipline to be such a fine athlete, or to lose the amount of weight you chose to lose. So, acknowledge that strength in yourself, and see yourself for who you really are - and value that. When you see things honestly, then you have the ability to clear things up. How can you clear something up if you don't allow yourself to see it in the first place? And that includes seeing your own strengths and specialness.

Blessings, Ayal

370. "What do you do when you love someone, but fear their past?"

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