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"My mother behaves toward me the way my grandmother used to behave towards her"

Dear Ayal,

My mum and I have always had a difficult relationship and every so often, like now, it goes through patches of being really difficult. I get the impression that she behaves towards me the way my nan (grandmother) used to behave towards her - basically I think it is a power thing like the mother has to be in charge and have the power over the daughter and when the daughter challenges that power the mother feels threatened.

I have never been a bad daughter, in fact I have always been a good daughter, I have never dared be anything other because it would make my life not worth living, my mum has always considered me to be nothing but trouble even before I was born. She was very ill and nearly died giving birth to me and blames me for it, she says to me "You nearly killed to me" and tells me it was my fault. When really it was just one of those things, the fact we both nearly died (it was touch and go I would survive) was, I consider, karma - we both created, and agreed, to the situation. As I agreed, before, I came to the Earth plane as me, in this life, that she would be my mother so we could learn from each other.

I understand the laws of the Universe, I and my mother are mirrors for each other and the things I don't like about her are clear to me because they are aspects of those things in myself. Yet as much as I understand that and try to work on things from my side, I just want all the bad stuff to go away and for her to be my friend. I would really like that, she has never allowed us to be friends, she always has to be the powerful mother and I have to be the obedient daughter. A lot of the time I just let it go over my head and try to keep a balance of calmness between us, on the surface, but really I get upset a lot over it and sometimes I get angry and think "Well, stuff you then!" which I know is not the best thing as I understand that thoughts are powerfully creative.

At the moment the bone of contention between us is my brother, I will be honest and admit I am jealous of the relationship between him and my mum, she loves him so much and protects him from everyone and everything. Whereas I was never protected from anything, I was exposed to violence, aggression, physical, mental and emotional abuse, all of which came from my parents, my mum never protected me from my dad either. She always takes the side of my step-dad and brother as well, it is like I have never been special enough, worthy enough or loved enough to warrant being defended or protected. I do, however, have wonderful grandparents they always looked after me and protected me when I was small, they have always loved me so very much as well. This has done me no favours where my mum is concerned though, they are her parents and she did not have a great childhood and she is jealous of the relationship I have with them.

Where my brother is concerned and the situation in our home at the moment, it is awful. My mum jumps down my neck everytime I speak to him no matter what I say, or at least try to say. She is there all of the time, sticking her nose in, answering and replying for him, she even tells lies for him. She gives him so much money it is beyond belief and then because she has none left asks me if I will lend her some. She is never been good with money and I do not mind helping her out but I resent lending her money when she has none because she has given it all to my brother. He wastes the money he has been given on useless stuff like take-away meals, cigarettes and games of pool.

Over the last five years I worked so much on myself getting my life and myself together, dealing with the bad stuff from my childhood and working out who I really am rather than who I had to be to survive being my mum's daughter. I do still have a long way to go though and I want to be the best person I can be. I have become a spiritual person, I have found happiness in finding God and having friends in Spirit who I know are helping, guiding and listening to me when I talk to them. I have sorted out my relationship with my dad, we get on well now, I understand him completely whereas before I only used to understand him a little. My dad and I are friends now and he is a wonderful friend to have because he is my dad, I don't always like him very much but I am able to accept him exactly the way he is. We had to become friends so we had some sort of decent relationship which is what I want to happen with my mum but she will not let this happen. I love her so much, I want her to like me and love me for who I am, she often says it is not difficult for people to like me yet she seems to have a problem liking me herself and I think it is because I am her daughter.

I think there is probably something inside of me that thinks I am not good enough, worthy enough or lovable enough where my mum is concerned yet the rest of my family - my nan and grandad, my dad and step-dad - I know love me very much and I know I am lovable and worthy enough to be a treasured member of their family. I often think that mum would have been happier if I had never been born, I know she was very unhappy with her marriage to my dad at the time and she let him talk her into having me - she was going to have a termination - it seems as though she has transferred all of the sorrow and unhappiness she felt at time onto me and allowed that to affect our relationship ever since.

I would really appreciate your help and insight into this situation.

Hi sweetie - well, I can really feel your pain with this, and your longing to have your mom love you. I think she does in essence love you, so trust that, but she's pretty mixed up. Be sure you are aware of how mixed up she is, ok? Trying to get some clear love from someone in that state of mind isn't very realistic. Sometimes we just have to accept that people are lost and caught in a lot of stuff for a while. How long they remain there is up to them, and all we can do is completely remove ourselves from the energy and even the physical environment while they rage around in it. Nothing you try to do at that point will help. At that point, the loving, clear thing to do is not try to appease them, but to take good care of yourself. You haven't removed yourself from it, and sometimes that is the best and most loving thing you can do. If someone is shooting bullets at you, you don't stand in the line of fire, right? Maybe eventually a treaty will occur, but while someone is shooting bullets, it behooves you to remove yourself, true? That's just common sense.

For you - I don't know how old you are, but if you are old enough to have a place of your own, say 18 or older, then I invite you to think about it. People caught in stuff have to find their own way out. You can bless them, but do it from a safer, more detached place. Then, when and if things change, you can still be available for what shows up next. But don't wait around for it. Live your own life, and if the energy truly sorts itself out and they are ready and able to have a different kind of relationship, then you can be willing to check it out and embark upon it with them, if it feels right.

It sounds to me as if you have a really clear sense of what's going on. I think it would also help if you sat down and did a visualization to see where this difficulty started between you two... ask in meditation what are the origins of this problem, and just open to any information or sense of what it may be that comes in. It may go beyond this lifetime. It is very necessary for you to see the bigger picture. Obviously, your mom isn't any where near clear enough to do any of this work herself, so, it's up to you to do what you need to for yourself, as you have been doing so well.

There is definitely karma happening here... and it has to do with issues of love and hatred. Maybe, I just wonder if part of your lesson here, what you came in to learn, is to let what IS be ok and not take it on or get entangled in it. In other words, if someone else isn't ready or able to be there for you as you would like for them to be, a great ability to develop is to be able to know who you are so well and what you stand for, that what others do, even if that other is your own mother, doesn't affect you negatively. I get a big YES on that one. 100%. When you see the bigger picture, there is more of an ability to accept the evolution of things and allow people and situations, as well as yourself, to be where they are at any given moment in the infinite process of it all. That's called trusting the process, trusting the Universe, and allowing others to develop and grow in their own way at their own time. Where they are at and what they are needing to deal with has nothing to do with you, unless you need one another as mirrors. You can love them, but not in a way that hurts yourself.

Since there is karma going on here, which definitely needs to be let go of - once you see what it is, if that comes in clearly for you, just ask the Grace or Light of God to shine on it and ask for it to be healed and released. We all do things along the way that in hind sight we may regret, but it is all part of our learning, and it is very important that we love ourselves as we learn and grow: it is very important that we do not go into blame or shame or hatred of self or others. When you can do this, (and you can do it when you know you are worth loving and you love and deeply appreciate yourself, and feel very steady in who you are) you allow love to exist in freedom. Then you are deeply at peace and connected to Source, and you have all the love you need. It is important for you to let go of anything which gets in the way of this knowledge and love for yourself - because when we feel rejected, or believe in rejection, when somewhere in us there is a hole that says that somehow we aren't worth loving - which is NEVER true - then it is easy to go into hared, fear, and pain - and that is what you came in to work through, I think. I invite you to sit in meditation and find where that hole is in you, and fill it with Light and what is really true.

Jealousy and favoritism, both of which are misconceptions, seem to be issues here, as well as turning one's power over to another. Your mother seems to feel jealous of you; you are jealous of your brother... etc. It isn't about that. When you know WHO YOU ARE (remember, God knows that and makes no excuses about itself - God just accepts AND trusts who it is perfectly and says: "I AM WHAT I AM") then you know that Love is really all there is, despite learning glitches along the way, and since Love is all there is, there is enough to go around for everyone... and no one is more loved or better or worse than anyone else: we all come from the same Source. It is very important for you to have THAT belief as truth, rather then what both you and your mom may have been operating out of.

Since your mom turned her power over to your dad and did not follow her own needs at the time or believe in herself enough, when she was pregnant with you, she probably has a lot of anger and turmoil going on inside, and she is unclear enough, as you said, that instead of dealing with it, she flails around in it and takes it out on you. Then she showers it all on your brother in a misguided effort to put her mixed up understanding of love somewhere. It's like she closed one crucial valve down in her heart, toward you, and so the other valve explodes messily all over the place. Not a balanced situation, to say the least. She actually doesn't sound as if she is doing your brother any favors, however, as he is not developing clarity or inner strength of character. So, her ability as a mom (or even her capacity at this point to be a strong person in general), has a lot to be desired, frankly, and I'm sure she knows this on some level, and may even have some strong feelings of disappointment about herself going on due to that. I get that she does have issues of feeling disappointed in herself - which makes sense why, when she sees your strength and clarity she feels threatened by it - she also feels adrift and anxious, as well as emotionally dependent - and maybe that is also why she showers so much on your brother - trying to get one of the males in the family to love and approve of her in order to feel loved and safe - but as a result she is also cultivating emotional dependency in your brother. Be grateful actually that you escaped that one more then he did! There may still be some of that emotional dependency going on for you, but that is what is up for you to heal in yourself.

I invite you to let go of the need for her to love you, and give that love to yourself. Don't play into this stuff with her anymore. Don't try to be "the good daughter" doing things for her to keep the peace, etc. Just do what you know to be right for you. Be yourself, and stand calmly in your Truth. If it feels right to do something, after you've looked at it and it feels that THE PLACE YOU ARE MAKING A DECISION FROM IS COMING FROM A CLEAR, LOVING SPACE THAT IS TAKING GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF, THEN DO IT. IF IT DOESN'T FEEL THAT WAY, THEN IT ISN'T TRUTH, AND YOU ARE SABOTAGING YOURSELF, SO DON'T DO IT.

Hope this helps.

Blessings, Ayal

352. "How normal is it for my husband to have fantasies of my sisters and even of my mother?"

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