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Clearing the Way

"It seems like all men in the world are either non-functional emotionally or abusive"

Hi, I have read lots of your web site, and I find it very helpful. Even in cases where you say what I would expect, you say it with new insight, warmth, and guidance. Thanks for your generosity.

I would like some suggestions. My father looked pretty good on the outside, but he was narcissistic, totally without boundaries, hated women, and used me as a psychic dumping ground for 40 years. My best relationships were always with animals and people outside my family. I have done a lot of work on myself and made progress in my self-esteem, career, and interactions with others, but I still have difficulties with romantic relationships with men.

I spent my 20s in love with a promiscuous alcoholic (I didn't know his condition until it was too late, of course), had a number of short but painful relationships with hard-core narcissists who basically tricked me into caring for them and then took advantage of my love and loyalty, had one long-term relationship with a man who was decent but very immature emotionally whom I left because it was unsatisfying (he recently married a replica of his mother), and then I had one close and generally satisfying relationship with a man who was generous and caring, and he was killed in a traffic accident. Thus, anytime I have loved a man, I have ended up in excruciating amounts of pain. I understand why people commit suicide although I would not. Recently I had an experience where a man who attracts me sexually stared at my throat chakra for a while and expanded his auric field right through me (I felt its heat) without asking or explaining. Then I carried around his intense energy for 3-4 weeks afterwards because I didn't realize until later what actually happened. When I realized it I felt pretty bad. Apparently this is a new way of being psychically invaded that I didn't know about until now!

Anyway, I have read what you say about the root chakra and the importance of being grounded and part of a group, and I am unclear how this relates to situations of severe family abuse. I hated the emotional environment in my family and do not want to embrace it or repeat. I have spent almost 50 years trying to get away from it, and sometimes it seems like all men in the world are either non-functional emotionally or abusive, or both.

Hi - well, your e-mail is chock full of a lot of anger. Your first challenge is to let go of it. You can only do that if you stop believing yourself to be a victim. Listen to what you say about some of your relationships, that you: had a number of short but painful relationships with hard-core narcissists who basically tricked me into caring for them and then took advantage of my love and loyalty.

Whew! Hear that victim stuff? They tricked you, took advantage of you, etc. etc. Nope. That's not how it works. You BELIEVE that you will be used, taken advantage of, lose whatever good comes your way, be tricked, and abused - if you think that's what you'll get, or deserve to get, then, guess what? Then life simply mirrors that back to you. God is very polite and will give you what you believe in. If you want to have different experiences, then it's up to you to change the energetic patterns you're operating out of and sending out into the universe. When you send out an energetic pattern, then you get a match to that pattern. YOU are the creator of these life experiences, and you even created having a father who matched those beliefs and energetic patterns you have carried around. Hard to accept, but, I think, true. Until you get that and deal with that, you will continue to be angry and to create these same kinds of experiences over and over again.

So, what was the brilliance and purpose of your soul creating these experiences for you? What lesson are you here to learn this time around? Blaming others for how your life is going and believing that you're the innocent who is always tricked out of her love and abused isn't it. So what is it?

As for being part of a group, I don't recall saying that that is needed to be grounded. When one is part of a group, then your energies are entwined with the energies of whatever group you're in, so you move forward at the pace the group can move forward at. So, deciding if one wants to belong to a certain group is very important, as some groups can hold one back. We do come into this life born into a certain tribe, or group, or family, in order to learn the lessons we need to - and to understand about security and living as a tribal unit, and we learn about following basic laws that allow the tribe to survive. We learn that ALL IS ONE, that we are all connected in the web of life, and that we all come from the same source - but then we must grow and expand and individuate beyond that in order to learn our own lessons and develop our own inner strength and belief systems. You incarnated into a family where it sounds as if people, at least your father, were very self absorbed and abusive. He didn't know how to love others. That was where you started this journey this time around from... but, like the lotus flower, you take that energy and transform it and grow, up into the light.

So, you must also have come in with a belief that loving others doesn't work, or that loving others is painful or unworkable. Is that a true belief, or a false one? Do you want to stay angry at him for having it, or do you want to take up your own power and change it for yourself? When a person is abusive to another, you can bet that they do not know how to love themselves or give themselves what they need. So, they continue to create situations in THEIR lives where love does NOT come back to them, as you feel anger, not love, toward your father. That's a painful place to live from, for both of you, and when you can see his pain as well, you will move into love and compassion, which is what, I think you're looking for in yourself. Your father, it sounds like, lived an essentially loveless life. Yet, you chose to incarnate with him to experience that. How come? When you accept responsibility for that, you'll be well on your way to deeper healing, yes? So, you can keep that old belief that loving others is unworkable and painful, or do you want to let it go? It certainly is a belief that will generate having a lot of anger and not allowing any good relationships to happen or work out, and it will continue lovelessness, rather than love.

Explore that one, and read The Laws of the Universe found on the site a couple of times, and then, if you choose to, write me back and tell me what you learned.

Blessings, Ayal

349. "I'm jealous of my friend's busier social life, that I will be left alone"

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