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"Life isn't the same here & I get ringing in my ears"

Dear Ayal,

I am so glad I got to your web site. I found it very inspiring to read your question and answer pages. I also have some questions of my own, which I would like to ask you now.

I have a ringing (mostly) in my right ear that started ten years ago on Good Friday. My friend and I had been enjoying the day with some music and dancing. My first thought after the ringing noise had appeared was: "This is god's punishment for singing and dancing on Good Friday." I'm not that religious, so the thought was meant as a joke. But I was aware of the fact that our behavior was considered disrespectful for this special day in our society. Testing with neural-kinesiology revealed a wheat intolerance - I shouldn't eat it too often. For two years I have been mostly avoiding it - even though it hasn't affected the ringing yet. I have started to wonder if wheat is really bad for me. But I find it hard to tell. When I eat it, I sometimes feel dizzy or strange afterwards, but I'm not sure if that's just the effect of the bad conscience I get from eating it.

Now to my other question. Five years ago I spent a year abroad in Vancouver on an exchange program of my university. Ever since I returned to Germany, I haven't been able to completely fit into my life here anymore. I sometimes get depressed and fall behind in my studies. I was able to live a part of me in Vancouver that seems to disappear under layers of dust here. Even the sky was clearer over there, nature seemed more powerful and present, I felt integrated into the flow of life. Now I often feel stagnant. And looking at the sky I wonder why we never get the intensive colors I had seen there. Have I lost a part of my soul over there? I hadn't been so melancholic before my exchange year. By the way - somehow I can't remember having had any ringing in my ear while I was abroad. How could I feel at home here again or let myself be guided to my real home?

Thank you very much for reading all this, Ayal. If you know of any healing insight or remedy for me, I would be grateful to hear from you.

In regards to your first question - the ringing in your ears, I can give you what information came through - as I have mentioned before in the column, I am not a medical practitioner, so I think it is always a good idea to get checked out medically, especially if you know of a doctor who is well versed in the holistic field as well. What information I got was that the ringing in your ear has to do with your balance - it said that where your balance is being affected is on the emotional level, and has to do with sadness.

You mentioned feeling guilty about dancing on Good Friday - first of all, I think God is about joy - about living life as joyfully, as we can without hurting ourselves or others - but the way western society and religion, in many cases, has interpreted God has been full of guilt and shame - no dancing, singing, etc. etc. How could God want that? I think God created the world to enjoy it. What better way to celebrate a resurrection and affirmation of life, which is what Good Friday is about, then through being joyful?

However, anytime you have a large institution, it will usually try to survive and maintain itself through having power over people. It often does this through rules, regulations, rights and wrongs, shame and punishment. If people want to express themselves in a way that is different, from what the religion or society proscribes, even if that difference does not harm anything, it will do what it can to make people afraid, to keep them under control. I hear that it your letter. I hear that you are wanting to express yourself in a way that is different from the society in which you find yourself. I have a feeling that the ringing in your ears may have to do with this feeling of thinking you did something wrong, that according to society's standards, you "should" feel ashamed of yourself.

I think that you may be experiencing a lot of sadness about feeling trapped in a place you don't want to be. A place that is not what you want, as you mentioned, the skies are polluted, etc, and where you don't feel as if you can be yourself - a place that doesn't fit who you are. What stops you from going back to Vancouver? It sounds as if you loved it there, and miss it deeply. What stops you from doing what you know is right for you? If it is deeply ingrained social programming, telling you what is right and wrong, what you can and can't do, then that is something you may want to look at and decide whether you want that to be what guides your life. Caroline Myss speaks about this in her book, 'Anatomy of the Spirit'. I think it would be very, very good for you to read it. Especially the chapter which talks about the first chakra. She speaks about how the tribe we are born into, which is represented by the first chakra, and deals with survival, etc., will try to keep us a part of it, but we must find our own way, our own path. I think you will gain some good insight from reading this book. It's fascinating.

Good luck to you as you travel your journey. Thank you for your question. Many Blessings, Ayal

29. "I have a problem of impatience with my children"

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