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"I am fed up with my boyfriend accusing me of things I haven't done"

Dear Ayal, my name is Terika. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 months. He is a DJ for alot of clubs in our area. He never has a problem with me going along with him and I actually enjoy it. But if I'm not with him he's constantly accusing me of things like talking to other guys or being with another guy. I'm so good to him and respectful of everything he does. But I feel like he doesn't support me at all with anything I say or do. But when I'm ready to talk about our issues and how I'm just tired of him accusing me of things he brings the fact that his daughter loves me so much and how she'd be hurt if I left. I really care about him but I just get so fed up with him accusing me of things and I don't know how to deal with it. Can you give me some advice?

This guy does not sound as if he uses ethical means to have a relationship. He uses guilt and coercion to make you feel you have to stay in the relationship, to feel bad if you don't, in other words, and to distract you from the real issues. That way he stops himself from having to deal with the real issues in an honest way. He "hooks" you, in other words, and uses guilt on you, telling you in so many words how you'll "hurt" someone by making a choice that is better for you, and how you're a "bad" person therefore, if you leave him. That's not ethical or honest. That's manipulation. Also, he accuses you out of his own deep sense of insecurity and a need to control. He is doing everything he can think of, from a negative place, to keep you tied to him. Now, the question is, what has had you attract a guy like this? What in you has you create such an unhealthy relationship, one that is not based on clarity or honesty?

You must have a belief that relationships are like that - that they are not based on having good ethics - that relationships do not honor one another by being clear or treating one another with honesty and coming from a clean, clear place. Where does that belief come from? What is your role model for relationship? When you change that belief, you will create a relationship that is healthy. This one isn't. My info said the best thing you can do is cut the cords binding you to this guy, and work on healing this belief you carry that creates unhealthy relationships in your life. Read the article on cutting cords listed at the end of the home page on this site, if that is what you choose to do.

There is also a belief you have called "unreciprocated affection" - a belief that says no matter how much love you put out, you won't have it returned to you. And then you settle for what you can get - in this case, a lot of unhealthy stuff that doesn't feel good to you. This belief comes from feeling rejected by your family. This belief has led you to have feelings of being incompetent. If you feel incompetent, then you think you have to take what you can get, as you don't think you can have or deserve anything better. That is a false conclusion. This has, in turn, led to an issue called "self destruct" - which is what you have going on with this guy. It is self destructive to be in a relationship that keeps you hooked into something not good for you because someone is manipulating your emotions and using that kind of evasion and guilt and negativity on you. The questions to ask yourself are: what in me allows myself to have this kind of relationship, and what do I need to change within myself to create a healthy relationship?

Doing a shamanic journey would be useful for you. I invite you to look up the Foundation for Shamanic Studies, and find some classes near you to work through these issues.

Blessings, Ayal

295. "I don't know if my boyfriend will want to return. Am I in denial?"

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