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"I'm torn between two men and confused"

dear ayal

iam very confused at the moment.i met this man (denis) and dated him for about a year when i came across another man (edin). i believed i loved denis so much but when edin approached me i could not resist him and that was when my misery started. ibegun to notice every bad thing about denis but never left him but when ever we had afight i would go to edin and evetually made love to edin. i never told denis neither did i leave him. soon i got back on track and felt i loved denis and never wanted to ever leave him. i even told edin but every time we got together we still could not resist each other. eventually i came to realize i had such strong feelings for edin but did not admit it to him. i instead begun to treat him bad and let him believe i hated him. then i came to a point when i could not handle it any more. i left denis told edin i have strong feelings for him but he rejected me telling me i was so bad to him and that he has a girl friend and cannot take me on. yet when we meet we still cannot resist each other. so does he love me i wonder or he loves the other or is it because of the way i treated him?

Hi - sounds to me as if you are needing your own sense of center. The picture I get from your letter is of a leaf blowing in the wind, or a ping pong ball bouncing all over the place. Confusion results from giving your power away, which is what it sounds like you do on a regular basis. You lose your sense of who you are, and then you bounce over to this person, and then back to another person, and so on and so forth. A leaf is tossed around by whatever wind that blows. A tree with strong roots, however, stands steady in itself. You don't seem to have roots of your own, at this point, and without them, you will be tossed and turned in whatever wind blows your way. That makes a life very difficult. It is very important that you start exploring that center, finding and developing it. It isn't about who you are with outside of yourself - it's about how you are being WITH YOURSELF. If you don't know who you are, if your own sense of self is undeveloped, then you will basically go with whoever comes along and extends a little energy your way, like a little puppy who follows whoever calls it.

Here are ways to develop your center:

  1. Doing a meditation twice a day where you see yourself growing your own, deep roots would be a very good thing to do. Really let yourself feel what this feels like.
  2. Allow a glowing white light to come in from the top of your head and fill up and flow through your entire body. Breathe that light into every cell. Then let it flow all the way through your feet and send it into the earth. This allows you to be filled up with your own energy and not have any energy in your space that does not belong to you. When you allow someone else's energy to be in your space, you can get confused and lose your sense of who you are. I'd do this visualization with the light once a day from now on.
  3. You can also do chakra clearing during meditation, which keeps you clear within and connected to yourself and your own energy. See the info on the chakras in an article listed at the end of the home page. The chakra clearing visualization can be found in that article.
To develop a true sense of Self takes time - without it, life will topple you over whenever a strong wind blows.

You are also needing to develop your own inner masculine energy. I think that is why you are pulled to this man or that, to whatever man seems to possess that quality of strong masculinity. You are really needing to develop that quality in yourself, however. No one on the outside of your life can give it to you. It must come from within you. I invite you to read the article listed at the end of the home page on the Balance of the Masculine and Feminine, and do the visualizations offered there. I'd do the visualizations on developing this balance of masculine and feminine energy, within, twice a week for 3 months. Very important for you.

As you work on this issue of developing your own, balanced, inner masculine energy, and your own strong center, you can also say: "All the origins of this problem are healing now. Thank you."

Blessings, Ayal

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