"Learning from our experiences..."
Hi Ayal, just popped by your site, and was kind of comforted that there was a new letter there.
I had just watched a film about a single father who had adopted a child with, I think it was FAS, or at least a syndrome suffered by children of alcoholics. It was a very touching film about the father's anger at never having a father of his own and wanting, as a kind of project, to give his son what he missed; but also completely neglecting his own needs. And then I read KHI's very honest letter, and your open and wise response; I think I am also working through issues of vanity and a need to be accepted through my appearance. I also feel very sad for the way I judged my last girlfriend, I told her very clearly that she wasn't beautiful enough, that I couldn't show her off to my friends; I don't know how I could have missed how hurtful that was. I was so concentrated on saying "the truth", although it was my perception of the truth at the time, that I didn't consider it's impact on her.
I would like to somehow say how sorry I am for that some day, at the moment though there is still too much of that residual yearning and wistfulness; and I want to be clear in my motives. I guess also that there is some personal humiliation for me here, an annoyance that I didn't behave perfectly and honourably.
Anyway, I'm going to get on with booking my tickets for the French train journey, feeling nervous about the travel; once I'm there I'll be OK.
I hope you and the family are ok and the rest has revitalised you somewhat.
Thanks for staying in touch. I hope you will continue to do so while in France too. I'd love to hear about the village and the life there, and what you are learning and discovering. Many blessings on that journey!! When do you leave?
Well, I hear your distress about what you said to your ex-girlfriend. My husband and I still often lose it with one another and then we can say really horrible things. For a long time, I was deeply, deeply crushed by them. Now, although I still hope we move beyond responding out of woundedness, unclarity, and rage, which definitely is still there are raises its head at times, I have also learned to understand that we all lose it... so lately I have been more able to let it (more or less) roll off of me because I know it to be part of the illusion now, and not the Truth of either of us. Just a momentary insanity that we descend into and recover from. I still work on that ALL the time, let me tell you! Still, lately, there is a difference, so I know there is evolution happening. Before, I didn't love either him or myself enough... I didn't have enough foundation or strength in loving, in trusting who I really am, to be able to do anything other than hate and retreat. I clung to the hurt, hated him and me because of engaging in it, and was too wounded, too believing in ugly things about myself and others - too caught up in that as the reality to do anything else. Now, it just sort of passes away like dust blowing in the wind. Hopefully, one day, we will evolve enough that our relating contains none of that, and is on a much higher, more fully, unconditionally loving level. Right now, we still have a lot of growing to do.
But, when I look ahead to what I think we "should" be, I go into judgment, and then I lose it again, because then I am not in love with the perfection of the moment. It's quite a dance, isn't it? It reminds me of Ground Hog day, the movie - it took Phil a long, long time to "see his shadow" and evolve beyond being the ego centered person he was. It was a long, long, step by step procedure, but he did it. And then he moved on. I so often want it to be a fast process - like we should have been there yesterday. It is part of my process to develop, slowly, oh so slowly, it often seems, compassion and trust in the process, to let it evolve on its own time. Whew! What a HUGE one for me!! Sometimes I feel I'm not making it at all - and at other times I can see glimmerings of changes happening. Hating myself for it, though, certainly slows down the process. Loving myself throughout it, when I can remember to do so, lightens me up so much that that burdensome heaviness can depart.
We all do and say things that can later deeply trouble us - I guess it's a good thing, in a way, that they do, for otherwise we'd simply continue doing them. The important thing is not to beat ourselves up over it (as I so often tend to do) - but to lovingly learn from it as a "teaching moment" - and to decide to do it differently, as you have, next time around. It's much worse to go through life oblivious of our movements, of what tracks we leave - if we are so unaware of how we impact others, or life, then we are asleep, unconscious, and to me, that is the most harmful thing... like being an unaware lump of life smashing through everything. A bull in a china shop.
Part of this human journey is painful at times, so very painful - but we learn from that too - I so often want my husband to be this absolute, perfect partner that I have so often imagined is right for me - and then, in moments of clarity, I realize that if he weren't the way he were, I'd be totally missing out on my process, which is to learn compassion and develop that level of love and strength in myself, that I wanted to enjoy in HIM! It's me that I am wanting to perfect, and I can only do so by not having the perfect situation- that situation I often long to just sit back and bask in - Instead, I have to bring it back to me, and not focus on him or his "faults", as I judge them - but to let it be MY practice - that each moment he says or does something that feels like a nail on a blackboard to me, it's my opportunity to respond - not with a twinge or with rage or a correction - my own nail on the blackboard energy - but instead with an energetic note, so to speak, that plays something beautiful.....and - then, the other part of it is, is to do it with non-attachment, so I don't create suffering for myself.....to be able to see the whole, long process I'm in - like in Ground Hog Day - and to let ALL of it be ok - no fixating on any of it. What a challenge, yes? Like floating on the current - not snagging myself on any of it, the good, the bad, the possible, the hoped for, or the ugly.
Many blessings, Ayal