"I don't know how to find myself, my self-identity"
I have come to understand that in this life time I am to develop my identitiy and true, I really have problems with my self-identity. I swing all the time from one opinion to another, from one interest to another and don't know how to find myself. It is affecting all areas of my life. I am trying to work on myself, but I have such dispersed energy that I can't bring myself to do anything much. Is it my resistance to change, still clinging to secondary benefits of my problems or maybe fear that I don't know what I would be like if I get rid of my problems? Or this stupid feeling I have that I will never solve my problems? At some deep level, I feel very ashamed, as if I was not supposed to be here, as if I am a surplus. Another thing that is very bothering is that I would very much like to have a normal loving relationship, but I have problems with regard to sex and don't know how to work on that. Any insight would be very much appreciated. Thank you.
Hi - Well, the first thing that is showing up is that you came into this life with these issues from a past life experience. It had something, I think, to do with being deserted by a close friend. I think that this may be why you have the belief that you don't deserve to be here, or are worth it. Your self esteem got lost, and that is why you have no solid center to operate from. It would be good for you to be able to see that you created that experience for a reason - do some visioning to find out what the brilliance and purpose of having that experience was, what you created it for - what you were teaching yourself and how your soul was growing from that experience - and then recognize and know that what happened is ok. That you created it perfectly and for an important reason. To help you with this, having some holotropic breathwork sessions would be great. Look this up on the net for a practitioner near you. I'd say a minimum of 3.
Also showing up for you are the issues of lack of ambition, and disappointment. This makes sense if you think that whatever you do, you'll just be deserted anyway, and considered no good. There's the energy of fear here to be released. Breathwork can help you do that in a safe environment.
I invite you to say the following affirmation 3 times a day for 2 months:
"I am meant to manifest the glory of God that is within me!"
As for the uncomfortable feeling you have with regards to sex, I think it also has to do with the issue of lacking acceptance. When we give of ourselves sexually, we are offering who we are, and we are very exposed - and we have to feel comfortable with ourselves in order to share in this way, to trust that we will be received. As you gain in self acceptance, and believe in yourself, not in other's ideas of who you are, I think this will change for you. How would it feel to just love and accept yourself so much that you feel like dancing?
There seems also to be an ancestral pattern regarding sex as an issue here - it's been in the family for a while - so clearing it in yourself will clear it for your family tree as well. You could ask in meditation to see what this issue was, what happened to create it, and then imagine a beautiful green light flowing into your family tree with the intention to heal and release this issue.
Another thing - it would be good for you to get your physical energy going - find one thing you love to do - such as run, or swim, etc., and commit to doing it 3 times a week, no matter what.
I also invite you to say this, twice a day for 4 weeks:
"I sponsor myself to the Creator, the Cosmic All, the Masters, and the Creator Entity to have the re-fill of the Creator's consciousness and energies: 111.10 health patterns, 110.76 healing rates, 59.93 future patterns, 59.71 past patterns, 60.834 personality healing and Love, wisdom, justice, personal freedom (67.105), equality, awareness, patience, tolerance, integrity, (55.075), inspiration (87.724), appreciation (88.174), will power (119.475). Thank you."
Using the olive green Aura-Soma pomander for courage and positive thinking would be great for you. You can order it at aurasoma-la.com, as well as the yellow pomander which is an antidote to nervousness and negative thoughts. It brings back laughter and sparkle to life.
Blessings - Ayal