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Clearing the Way

"I feel ashamed after making love with my husband"

Dear Ayal,

Greetings. I recently came across your site in my usual search for enlightment and have been very impressed.I have read most of the questions and answers and each time, I gain a new understanding, for this I thank you so very much. I would highly appreciate your shading light to my question, which I have battled with for years.To give you a better understanding of my question I will try and give you a brief history of my life.

I am the 3rd born in a family of seven,My mum and dad were never inlove.My dad used to be a rich and powerful man until I was about 11 years old when he became bankrupt and left the country to find work in another country.We never saw him for 10 years, (he could not come as the banks which he loaned money from would sue him) only corresponded by letters and phone.I guess the strain of bringing up 7 kids on her own turned my mother into a very bitter woman, she was a nightmare to live with and was highly critical of us, especially me, words like "you will never amount to anything" or "you should be thrown out to sea" were a comon thing in our house,somehow I seemed to be more sensitive to her insults more than my other sister's and brothers.In short my relationship with my mother has never been a good one.I felt unloved and rejected by her.

When I was about 15 years old my auntie's husband, who used to frequent our home, one day molested me and claimed to be madly in love with me.I was shocked and disgusted of course and reported him to my elder sister who told my mother, and although my mother told him to never come to our house again, she blamed me for it saying that it was the kind of clothes I wore that made him want me.Anyway to make a long story short, I met a nice guy when I was 21 years, and although I was not really attracted to him and knew that I was not inlove with him, I married him.I found out within a few days that we were very incompatible, but I was too scared to leave him, I believed if I worked at it, it would work.What I couldn't stand most was his habit of lying and not being a take charge type (he was only 25 years), his mother use to tell him what to do about everything.I kept telling myself if only he was more honest I would fall inlove with him.I now know that those were just excuses I was making.For the first year I hated the lovemaking which always made me feel ashamed and dirty after it was over.I told myself that I felt that way because I was not inlove with him.What's more I became pregnant immediately which made me feel more commited to stay.

That was 10 years ago, now we have 2 daughters, and although the 10 years of marriage was mostly rough (financially and emotionally), we have grown closer and things are looking better.Despite the fact that I am not inlove with him I have grown to love him very much.The thing is I still feel ashamed,guilty and depressed, after making love with him.My question is how can I get rid of these bad feelings once and for all? Also I recently tend to be abit critical with my 9 year old daughter which makes me feel very bad afterward, as I had vowed to be the most loving mother I can be. I have been doing alot of selfgrowth programs and they are helping me alot in many areas, especially with panic attacks and anxiety which used to be frequent.I do sometime long to be inlove, and wonder if 20 years from now I won't regret not finding my soulmate, but I know that having a secure marriage and giving my kids a secure home is more important.I believe I have grown in many ways although I still have alot of work to do on myself.What do I need to look at in my life in order to feel more at peace and contented? Please shade some light.Thanking you in advance.

Hi N. Well, there's a lot going on here. One of the first things I see is that your mom and dad have a pattern going on called the gutter ball program, which means that they are programmed for failure. You, too have this issue, and if you choose to clear it up, it will help to heal your ancestors energetically as well. Your parents kept failing at what they set out to do, whether that was have a happy, healthy family, or maintain the ability to support one's family... both felt like such failures, or that their lives were such a failure that, as you said, your mom became mean and bitter, etc., and your dad just disappeared, for whatever reasons.

You chose a man, a relationship, where there would not be great success possible there either, following this program. What you experienced with him has even matched the gutter ball program in the area of finances. When we have a program where we are programmed not to succeed, that will affect everything in our lives in some way. Since you felt unloved, or deprived of love and nurturing, you continued this energy pattern of feeling unloved by choosing a relationship where love could not be felt, or given, or received very well. It does sound as if you are working through some of this, as you mentioned that you are feeling closer to him now and feelings of love are there. That's a good sign. It means to me that things are evolving.

I am not sure what you mean by not being "in love" with him. I think that that may be an idealized concept. Sometimes when we don't receive love as a child, we think that there must be the perfect love out there that will make us feel wonderful and heal all of our wounds, and we will finally be safe forever more. That kind of love does exist, but it is only by developing it within ourselves, by tuning into our divine spirit, that we live within that kind of love. That kind of love comes from us choosing to self generate it and to heal the wounds and mistaken or false beliefs we have lived by. Until then, we will always attract people into our lives who have similar issues as our own so that we can see what these issues are that we are to deal with in order to heal ourselves. Since you have stayed with your husband for this long, you both must be serving one another in some way, still, in order to develop as souls, or you would have left before this. You are both probably serving as great mirrors for one another. In the process, you seem to be recognizing and developing your ability to love, as you said that that is what is happening. Working through these issues does take time, steady progress, determination, insight, and courage. It takes time to find our way to what really being able to love is all about. It sounds to me as if you are doing that work, but you are not giving yourself credit. You are still hoping that it will drop into your life from the sky or somewhere. The way to feel the love you desire is to

(1) release the deep sadness you feel - all the emotion behind this issue of failure, and
(2) be able to be in the present moment and to trust that it's all ok. Your growth, your way to love, lies in the present moment - choosing to face each moment with love and trust and openness. To choose love rather than fear or desperation or despair in each and every moment. That is your discipline and your spiritual practice. And that is the best way to give your children what you would like to give them - the example and energy of how to live in love.

This isn't easy to do when you are used to being maligned and abused, as your mother abused you. You have come to expect the worst out of life, and this is a dreary prospect that probably has you feeling pretty desperate at times. But, that too comes from a belief that that is what you can expect out of life: failure, abuse and desperation and loneliness. When you change what you believe is possible for life - when you choose to create a new and loving view of what life can offer you, and what you have to offer life - when you love yourself enough to give yourself those new ways of seeing and thinking and believing - then life will be very different for you.

That is what the journey is all about. Choosing and creating in ways that honor our life and develop love. We choose to believe in and invoke and integrate within ourselves, bit by bit, the energy of love. It's like the image of the lotus flower used in Hindu spirituality. The lotus grows in the mud - it begins in the mud, the unclarity of murky issues, but it rises toward the light to finally rest upon the surface of the water, in the clear air, a beautiful blossom. I understand your desire, which is commendable, not to deprive your children of love or family the way you felt deprived. As you grow in love, this is the best gift you can give them. Then your external life mirrors that love back to you - in your relationship, and in many many other ways.

Having some breathwork sessions to clear up the sadness and pain you still have stored away would be great for you. Find a practitioner near you, or travel to have sessions somewhere.

Also, using some Aura-Soma essences would be good for you. The magenta quintessence for awakening to the beauty in life would be great. The turquoise pomander for cleansing would be great, too. You can order them at

Give some attention to your sexual organs : your 2nd chakra needs a lot of love. Picture a glowing, beautiful orange wheel of light there, 3 times a day, rotating clockwise, and ask that this chakra be healed, cleansed, and restored to perfect health and functioning - that sexual trauma is still in there, and I think that is what is causing you to feel dirty. You believe that you are prostituting yourself for security when you make love with your husband. When you develop your own deep sense of love for yourself, you will not believe that you have to sell yourself out in any way for love or security. We all have that in some way until we grow beyond it by loving ourselves and trusting in our own self, in our own inner goodness and power. When you feel that for yourself, then when you make love, when you are not abandoning yourself by thinking you are not good enough or strong enough to be your true self, it will be a wonderful experience. You have to be able to love yourself first before you can feel good when loving another sexually. Your mother told you the rape was your fault for being, as she implied, sleazy, or whatever. You are still carrying around that incredibly damaging, untrue belief about yourself. You took that on. That can be worked with using the formula for changing core beliefs in the Laws of the Universe, or also in breathwork. That is a very, very painful belief to carry around. You don't need to believe that anymore. Call upon the Creator to refill you will Divine love, abundance, health, wisdom, inner freedom, inner authority, and awareness. Invoke these qualities within yourself. Feel what it feels like to live with them instead of with despair, or sadness.

Blessings, Ayal

Dear Ayal,

I am writing with so much gratitude for your very helpful insights,thank you!What I am confused about is the gutter ball program, how does someone get programmed for failure? is it inherited or something? How can I clear it? You are right when you said that I have this deep sadness and it lingers even during times of happiness, will clearing this up using the methods you suggested also get rid of the gutter ball program?

I also have been suffering from allergies since childhood,( frequent colds and eczema) will working on my issues clear these allergies as well?The other problem I have is feeling constant fear, sometimes I don't even know what I am scared about, I just get filled with a feeling of terror and panic.Mostly I am afraid of dying, and I obsess about every symptom I get afraid that it might be something serious.I would be forever grateful, if you could help me to get rid off these irrational fears (although I have seen improvement since working on some selfgrowth programs).An example of this fear is this,I have purchased the centerpoint holosync program a few months ago, but would you believe it I have been too terrified of using it, since the tapes take you into very deep meditation and somehow that scares me.Do you see how vicious this cycle is? I bought the tapes to get rid of my fears and anxiety, but have not used them because of my fears and anxiety! I really hate this weakness in me and would like to get rid of it for good.Any assistance you can give me on the right way to go to vanish the fears would be highly appreciated.Thanks again for listening, and for doing such wonderful work in helping people find their way, God bless you.

Hi - we can have patterns that carry over from another life, from beliefs we developed then, or from beliefs we carry in our DNA from our genetic make-up, from our ancestors - it really doesn't matter where the belief came from usually. Sometimes it's good to know that to help clear it. But basically, we get programmed by thoughts we have decided to believe as true. Think of a computer and how it works. The mind works in much the same way. First, to program a computer, you type into it what you want. We do the same things with our minds. We put in beliefs that then get filed away and we use these beliefs as our reality. You could program a computer to say red is blue, or 2+2 = 5, but that doesn't make that true. It's the same with beliefs. If you type in a program into your mind that says "I will fail at everything I try" - then that becomes the program that operates.

What one has to do then to erase that belief is to release the emotions which fuel it - in your case, sadness and fear, and then type in a new program. As I mentioned, how to do this can be found in The Laws of the Universe info under changing core beliefs.

A great flower essence that deals specifically with irrational fears is Aspen, and can ordered at the Flower Essence Society in California, USA. Their phone # is (530) 265-9163. You can look them up on the net, or order from another company that deals with Bach flower essences.

In regards to the allergies - allergies happen when we reject some part of life. Since all of life is God, when we reject some part of it, it creates a disturbance in our bodies. We feel irritated by something, we judge it, and it becomes an allergy. It works like this: For instance, if a person is sitting at the dinner table, and an argument develops while they are eating corn, the mind will associate corn with arguments, with bad feelings, stick those two things together, corn and something that feels bad, and become allergic to corn. What you may need to do is take some time to sit quietly, and go within. See if you can visualize or sense, or ask about, what things you are allergic to and how you may have associated with something bad for some reason. If you can, see yourself separating them. Corn is just corn. It isn't good or bad. It just is, as God just is. The same with anything else you have made a judgment about and have become allergic to. If you find beauty in it, you will in all likelihood alleviate the allergy, because you will no longer be rejecting it. Everything has a quality to it that is beautiful. When you discover what that is, you feel love for it and you are connected to it.

Excema is a condition you have created to keep your husband away from you. It comes from being out of harmony with him sexually and not feeling "in love" with him, as you mentioned before. Since you haven't felt good in your love making, this is what you created as a way to try to avoid that. It's a protection. As you come more into harmony and heal the issues around this, as we talked about in the other e-mail, I think this condition will resolve itself.

When one has a fear of dying, as you expressed, it is because you have not connected yet with your divine nature, which is your light body, or true energy and cannot die. Energy simply changes form. When we do not know who we really are, it's like trying to stand on quicksand - there's nothing to hold onto, and every situation becomes something terrifying and threatening. Fear is simply the absence of love. When we are living from Love, we know who we are, as we are directly connected to our divine source then.. As you mentioned, not knowing real love is the issue you are dealing with. You didn't experience it from your mother or father, and so you have not had a role model or a sense of what love really even is, or feels like. However, you do know it, actually, because that is what you are really made of. It is what you are. It's just been pushed away for a while and hidden. You are re-discovering it now. You thought it would come from outside of yourself - from being in a relationship. It comes from within yourself. Then you experience it in the situations in your life. Then everything begins to be related to from this place of Love that radiates out from you to touch the world. It would be great for you to start doing heart centered meditations to develop this connection.

You could even ask, or call upon, the violet flame of transmutation, which the Archangel Zadkiel is in charge of, to come and take the insecure feelings and the fears in your mind away. Releasing unwanted baggage to the violet flame is a great way to neutralize energy.

189. "I find my sexual fantasies hurtful, why do I still have them?"

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