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"I constantly have feelings of insecurity about my relationship"

Hi Ayal,

I did some research on inscure feelings in relationships and came across some of your answers to many needy people. I myself am in need and feel extremely insecure. Currently, I have been dating a guy for a little over a year and he claims to love me. I somewhat believe him, but I have much internal conflict. I find myself very insecure and resentful for many of the things I do for him. My resentfulness leads me to be very cold and almost unaffectionate. For example, he has joined a gym and wants to attend it five times a week after. Which means if we do spend time together it is very late, in which he expects me to go over his house because I am the one who drives. He does not have a car, but it is not needed in New York City where there is plenty of public transporation. Nonetheless he does not make time for us unless it is the weekend. This in turn makes me feel as if I am not a priority, only on the weekends.

I can go on and on, I am only giving you a short example of a behavior of his. It is much more complex and this is only one thing, but I find myself being very insecure. I read relationship books, go to psychics or do other things to make myself feel better and normal. Growing up, my father had an affair with another woman. Left my family for a year and my parents got back together. I come from a home where my mother strongly believes every male in the world will have an affair once in their lives. I think this may have something to do with my constant internal conflicts and feelings of insecurity. Can you please help me.

Hi - well, there is definitely an issue of self respect going on here. For your mother to carry a belief that says all men will have an affair is really an indication that she doesn't believe that there can or will be respect or honoring in a relationship. That is a false belief. But, it is still a belief, and that will create a certain reality. The reality such a belief will create is - guess what? Not having self respect and having your man cheat on you. Did your mother not believe that she was worth honoring? Do you see that having that belief created her reality in that way?

What belief would YOU rather have? Do you still want to continue believing in that one? If not, follow the formula for changing core beliefs found in the Laws of the Universe. What would it feel like to know that you are honored and treasured and respected, and that you can trust your partner to respond to you in that way? What would it feel like to believe that about yourself? It's all a matter of what you choose to believe and what you choose to feel. We get addicted to certain ways of thinking and feeling, but we can change that with some discipline and some knowledge. What needs to happen here is for you to let go of any attachment you have to this old belief. Are you still getting something out of having it? Do you still get to feel angry at your mom or your dad? Are you willing to allow them their journey of learning and discovery, even when they go through things that are difficult, and create what you choose for yourself? Do you get to play the martyr if you keep this old belief? "Look at how much I do, but nobody respects me or gives back to me?" That's playing the victim. When we decide that playing the victim is no longer what we want to do, then we can move into being the Creator. What do you CHOOSE to create and feel?

Each time you feel insecure, or angry, or feel that you are being dishonored, go back to remembering and feeling what it feels like to have the opposite feeling. Say to yourself: "When I feel insecure, that is an illusion." Can you allow yourself to feel brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Can you allow yourself to open to who you really are? Do you know that quote from Nelson Mandela that says:

We fear that we are inadequate, but our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be these things? You are a child of God! Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people around you won't feel insecure. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to manifest the glory of God within us; it is in everyone. And, as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically releases others.

Blessings, Ayal

179. "Why is my mother constantly putting me down?"

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