Clearing the Way"Why is my mother constantly putting me down?"
Dear Ayal, I'm not a parent but I'm the daughter. I was looking up mother and daughter problems on the computer and came across yours.
I'm eleven and very mature for my age. I feel like my mom is always going to yell at me for doing something wrong or wearing something she doesn't like. I'm always rude with her. I can't tell her anything without her flipping out or grounding me or putting the blame on me. She makes everything she yells at me for my fault. She'll say, well you shouldn't have done this or that, or said this or that. I look at my frinds and the all have good relationships with their mothers. I don't have one with mine. If I do something wrong she has to go back and tell everyone she knows, when it's none of their business. I know I've made mistakes and she says, well I can't trust you. All I want to do is have a good relationship with her. Do things with my mom. But she never wants to. Then if I have a problem with her she says, "Jesus Christ here we go again."
Hi - Well, eleven can be a tough time if things are not feeling good at home, because you are still young and still dependent on your mom for just about everything.
Your mom is still learning and growing too - even though she's your mom, she, like all the rest of us, has important things to learn. Right now, she has still to learn that everything that happens in our outside life is just a mirror for what we believe and feel on the inside. In other words, if your mom is blaming you and putting out energy towards you that is full of blame, energy that is telling you that you're not doing it good enough, it's because that is how SHE feels about herself. Because she doesn't think she's doing it good enough, she gets angry at herself, and upset, and overwhelmed, and scared, but then, instead of looking to see how she can change these feelings inside of herself, she puts them off on you. That is called projecting - throwing out hidden feelings you have onto someone else. Many people do it, but it hurts people, and it's a much better thing to be able to see what we need to inside of us that we can change. That way we feel stronger and better about ourselves. Whatever we feel about ourselves that we haven't faced or dealt with in a good way yet, is what we put off on others.
When a person finally understands that, then they don't blame anyone else for what is going on. They look inside themselves to see what they believe about themselves and how they feel about life. Then they can change how they feel and how they act toward others. And that is a good and powerful thing to be able to do.
The only person we can change is our self. Maybe you also have some feelings that you're not good enough. Do you think you do? If you do, it's important for you to know that you ARE good enough, and to start believing that, all the time, every moment, no matter what your mom or anyone else may say or do. When you change what you believe about yourself, you also change what life and other people give back to you, how they respond to you, because the part other people play in your life is to be a mirror to show you what you believe and feel about yourself.
Here's what I invite you to do, and it's a very powerful thing to do. It takes love and courage and strength to do this. No matter what happens - no matter what your mom says or does, quietly, inside of your mind and heart, just say: "Bless you."
Say it with love and kindness, for your mom is just caught up in not knowing that she is good enough, and she doesn't know how to make herself feel better. She thinks that getting out these hurtful thoughts about herself by yelling at you, thoughts that may be so hidden that she may not even know they're there, will make her feel better, but it never does. Deep down, it only makes people feel worse and like themselves even less.
Your mom is here to learn about loving herself. And so are you. When you both can do that, you will have a much easier time giving that love and kindness to others. What you will be doing by saying "Bless you" silently inside of yourself is sending her blessings and love, which people need so much, and it will also help you remember that you are made of Love. When you know that, you don't have to believe it when she's telling you that you're not good enough. It helps you remember that she has this important lesson about life still to learn, and the best thing that you can do is feel kindness toward her, and send her good energy.
When we send blessings to someone, it's like watering a dry plant, or sending someone light to help them find their way. This will help to change the energy between you, and no one even has to know what you are doing. It's sort of like being an invisible little elf who goes around shining beams of light on people. You can do this for anyone or anything - animals, or any situation that doesn't feel good. The energy that happens then is like turning on a light in a dark room. You may not see any noticeable changes right away, but keep on knowing and trusting that it helps. When you do this, you feel good about yourself too, because you are not feeling hurt or angry, but instead are choosing to send love to others - and that always feels great.
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