"I cannot relax enough to be myself"
Hi Ayal! I had sort of a bad day today, pretty much since I was getting ready for work in the morning. Anyway, the point is that I spent the whole day looking like someone ran me over, feeling extremely tired, just trying to get through the day as best I could. I also experienced my left eye twitching all day long. That had happened before, but only for a few seconds at a time, and not happen again for months. Then, the bottom left corner of my lip joined in the twitching, so I had the left side of my face twitching as if in an orchestra for the whole day. I was a little concerned and decided to log on to ask a doctor. I went to a couple of sites, and arrived at your site by accident (NOT). I've read a few of your e-mails and decided to print the work sheet and the Laws of the Universe to read later.
I am a smoker, have been since I was 16 yrs old and, even though I know it's not good for me and all that stuff, I like it, or feel that I am not ready to give it up just yet (weird hum?) I have trouble falling asleep sometimes, so I have a drink to help me fall asleep (when I know good and well that all I need to do is relax, and sleep will come). I get headaches so often that I don't even take anything for them any more. My lower back is constantly acting up, so most times, I just put myself through the discomfort until it goes away. I am concerned that if I take too many aspirins or pain killers, something else is gonna come out of that (silly, hum?).
I will put myself through anything, but will do whatever it takes to stop my loved ones from experiencing any pain, anguish or suffering. When it comes to hurting people, I will not be the one to do it, and if I have, will do what is within my reach to fix it. If it cannot be fixed, then I ask for forgiveness and let it be. I dislike working for the place that I'm at, but I make no efforts to find a job elsewere because, in a way, that's where I think I need to be right now. I try my best to follow what I feel (what I know in my heart is right) but sometimes, I get so anxious and worked up over different things that I stop listening! Most times I cannot quiet my thoughts long enough to listen. The easiest way for me to receive messages is when I am asleep. That's because, like I said, I don't relax while I'm awake long enough to listen to anything. What do you suggest?
P.S. Thank you so much, just for listening, really!
Hi. What do I suggest? Well, I suggest you take a closer look at what it is you're really asking here. Here's what I hear: "Well, I feel this, but I'm not going to do anything to change it". "I dislike this, but I suffer through it". "I smoke and I know it's bad, but, oh well. Not going to change it. etc. etc." So basically, you are writing in just to vent, and letting me know that you don't really intend to do anything about what in your life feels uncomfortable. ("I hurt, but I just suffer through it, etc. etc.") Well, if you're content and just need to vent now and then, or connect with someone to share how life is for you, or let someone know what you've been going through and hopefully get a little TLC, well, so be it. I understand that need, as I often have it myself. Although we all need to just be heard and have some sweet moments of TLC when we're feeling down sometimes, I'd appreciate it if, from now on, you didn't write in to me just for that as I get quite a few letters, and they all take a lot of time and energy to read and tune into what is needed. I'm here to work with folks who are wanting to shift something. You sound like you're ok with what is, even though you're not totally comfortable with some of what's going on for you. But not so uncomfortable that you are choosing to do anything. And that's ok. If that's what you choose and how you enjoy being, I wish you all the best.
I do hear and sense a lot of nervous, scattered, anxious energy in you - and when you do mention what you do for that, you mention external substances - smoking, taking a drink, etc. Well, this fits in with what I mentioned above - to really shift something, you must do internal work, and, from what you have said, you're not really into doing that, into making changes. You're just accepting what is but still feeling uncomfortable. Something in you isn't ready yet or willing to make changes, and so you go to external substances, or do nothing. That's ok, too. Just be clear on where you're at and what you're choosing. And if that's your conscious choice, so be it. We all have our own timing and the right to make choices.
I sincerely apologize . . . I didn't think that I would receive a response! I wrote just to write something and, I am sorry to have used up you time and energy like that. I'm glad to have received a response though because now I can ask what I really need to. I hope that is OK with you, and, again, I am sorry.
As you said, whether I am really comfortable, happy, or not, I am pretty much OK with it. I make slow changes because that's what I am comfortable with right now. It may sound like a lack of motivation, and it might be, but I tend to focus my energy more on some things, and keep it there for so long that, by the time I get to other issues... I'm exhausted! It's like, choosing my battles, for lack of better words. And yes, I refer to my life as a battle, cuz that's what it has felt like it so many times . . . but I am working on moving right along to where I need to be.
It's been a slow process for me though, and for the most part, my main issue is my relationship with my mother. She comes, (therefore, I do too) from a very traditional catholic family, background, and belief system. She is extremely judgmental of my person, my behavior, decisions... well, just me period - as well as others, though she's just not as condemning of them as she is of me. I know she means well, and wants what's best for me, but it doesn't always register that way - she mostly speaks in a derogatory manner and I can't find it in me to ignore it and let it be. She constantly implies, because she's never actually said it, that I am a good woman, that I am a good mother, a support system for my family, etc. And at the same time, the minute I do something she does not agree with - which is pretty much just living my life and making my own choices (which are good ones by the way, smile) - she claims that I am going to rot in hell because I am living in sin, and constantly tells me how she is praying for me to come back to church and sing in the choir, and pray the rosary, etc. Most times, I have just gotten angry at the whole religion and behavioral contradictions she's got going on, and have told her about it. This has been a life long issue.
Where I am at right now is, figuring out whether my place with her is of assistance or if I need to be myself and remain as far from her as I possibly can. I don't grow around my mother . . . I don't breathe around my mother . . . I turn into someone I don't want to be around my mother. But I have this attachment, this constant thought that I need to be there for her, physically, emotionally, financially... I don't know how to break away from that in a healthy way, without hurting her or having any guilty feelings . . . the same ones that have kept me around all along. I live about 30 min. away with my son who is 6 yrs. old. We do wonderfully on our own, he's such a happy little spirit it's amazing to me, and we make our time happy times.
I want a good relationship with her, I have attempted to remain calm, to ignore, to express my feelings without argument, and it works for a few weeks tops, until I do something that she does not approve of . . . then, we are right back to square one. It kills me because I am all out of ideas and approaches with her. Like I said, I don't want to totally destroy the whole mother-daughter thing here. I really don't know what I can do, or what I should do, and it really makes me physically ill sometimes from thinking about ways of dealing with it. Needless to say, we don't have a healthy relationship, even though we love each other very much. I know that we are not in each other's life just because, but I have not been able to clarify my purpose with her or hers with me. I know that she has given me the kick I probably needed to look outside the box for once . . . but that's as far as I've gotten. I'd really appreciate your guidance on this. Thank you very much for reading along and have a good day, or night depending on your time zone, smile!
Sending lots of love
Hi - no need to apologize - one of the things it says in the Laws of the Universe is that we don't need to apologize because that says we did not create perfecly, and we always create perfectly - as you said, it allowed you to now ask your question. I was simply putting out my needs. Thank you for hearing them. You did not do anything wrong, as there is no wrong when we get beyond seeing life as black and white and fear based, and we see that it is all Love.
Anyway, about your relationship with your mother: from what you have said, she is very, very much caught in distortions - she is very much into blame and shame and guilt, which she is projecting out onto others. That means she is not facing her own fears, fears that she is not good enough, fears that she has done something wrong, or fear based beliefs that tell her she is evil, bad, and "ought to be" ashamed about herself. The whole rotting in hell thing is based on fear and punishment, which is NOT Love - it's so interesting to me how warped things can get in the religious arena - people think they are living for God by putting out fear, and blame, and shame, which is exactly what God is not. Self righteousness is not Love. It's blame and shame and comes from not seeing one's own issues. It's so far from what God is, that if one thinks about it for a moment, it's almost ludicrous it's so obvious.
People create their own hell by choosing fear instead of Love, by not seeing where they have gotten caught in distorted understandings of what life is really all about. Then, since they aren't facing that in themselves, the project that "hell" they're in, which is only a state of mind, not being clear on what is illusion and what isn't, outside of themselves and think hell is real. And so, because they can't see or face their own fear or belief that they are bad, they project that fear out into the world as the devil and hell, etc., and they continue to project their own fears and hell onto others, as your mother is doing. It's difficult to find a place to connect with a person in that state of mind with anything that feels truly loving, as they themselves aren't there for it.
It's usually a pretty unhappy and painful place to live from, and difficult to be around, especially as a child, because you take it on and believe that you are bad, too, as she throws that out at you. This leads to great anxiety for a child, because they then see themselves as bad their whole lives, unless they can track it down, see where it came from, and create a new way of understanding things. This doesn't mean you betray or disavow loving your mother. It simply means she is where she is in her understanding, and that is her choice. We have to honor people's choices about what their journey will be about.
It's like this: say you are traveling down the road with someone for a while, but then they say, "Well, I'm not going on as far as you are. You're going to St. Louis and I'm only going to Birmingham." So, you part ways. That's ok. Because your destination is different from theirs, does that means you don't love them? No. You honor where they choose to go, and you continue being in Truth with yourself and where your journey needs to go. And you continue on. They don't need you to stay behind with them and lose your own way to get them to where they are going - they are a totally empowered soul, as you are, and if you think that you must live your life for them, that is like saying God can't take care of itself and have the life it has chosen to have as that particular soul. That disempowers them and doesn't recognize the Truth of who they really are. This doesn't mean we don't help others out or express care and compassion - but we don't do it from a place of guilt or shame or fear or disempowerment. We do it because that is what we have also created in our lives in order to learn compassion and many other things. Because we enjoy just being Loving, as we enjoy the bliss and beauty of watching a sunset.
You have been so programmed to live from guilt and shame and fear that you are hooked into thinking you have to take care of your mom, take the fear and abuse and distortions she throws out, because if you don't, you'll be bad, unloved, abandoned, and go to hell. That isn't Love. That's fear. Deeply programmed into you fear. No wonder your relationship doesn't feel good and creates anxiety and frustration.
You even related to me that way - immediately apologizing and thinking you'd done something wrong. And so, it's no wonder you feel anxious and like a truck hit you and constantly in struggle with everything. You are struggling against all these untruths and fears and distortions, probably constantly on the alert, waiting to be made wrong and thinking you have to defend yourself, as that is what you first learned to do, how life was for you, as a child. That is exhausting, and that pattern can be changed and healed. Ignoring it or numbing it through smoking and alcohol won't do it, though, dear one. Getting new belief systems and new emotional states to live from will.
If you think that you will be betraying your mother (another deeply ingrained program) by choosing another way, or by being willing to face these old beliefs and change them, then you will continue to live from fear and anxiety. Often, when one thinks one is bad, from the time one was a little child, one thinks that if one sees issues in oneself it really means that "see, this proves I AM bad or I wouldn't have these issues", and that can totally stop one from then facing these issues and changing them. You feel so bad already there is NO way you'll be able to cope with adding another "I am bad" thing to the list. You believe that this will just be one more bad thing about oneself, and it's already too painful so why add more, is the thinking.
The beautiful thing is, no one is ever bad - we just get confused sometimes and forget what's true. When we truly uncover where these issues came from, that is what we find out, and it's actually very sweet and touching. For instance, I was doing a healing session the other day with someone, and for all of his life this person had believed he was bad and incompetent. He lived from tremendous fear and anger, and anxiety, with huge rage always blaming others about how incompetent they were! But because he couldn't face this pain and issue in himself, believing he was so bad already, he constantly blamed everyone else and projected that anger out at everyone and everything, living in tremendous fear and anxiety. Finally, during this session, he felt safe enough to say how incompetent he really felt (which he wasn't, by the way, but he believed he was), and when he did some tracking, it all stemmed from believing that it was his fault as a little boy that his mother and father were so unhappy. If he had been a better little boy they would have been happy, was the mistaken belief. It wasn't that he was "bad" or incompetent at all - if anything, these mixed up beliefs came from a kind of distorted love, thinking it was his job to make his parents happy.
It isn't a child's job to make their parents happy, but if you think it is, you take on a job that you can never accomplish, never fulfill, and so you will feel unworthy and incompetent and set yourself up for failure your whole life. He was always afraid, as well, that he would have to take on jobs that he couldn't do - hence his fear and anxiety and rage at anyone who didn't do a good job, or finish their job, because then his belief system said he'd have to do it, to take care of everyone, and his little child knew he wasn't able to do it, as he had already failed. Quite entangled, and years of pain and difficulty came with it - but all just coming from a mistaken understanding.
Making someone else well or happy is not our job - we can't create their realty for them - they must learn to do that for themselves, in order to grow as a soul. It is not a job that is ever ours to do, and especially not a child's to do. Each soul must be responsible for their own happiness, or unhappiness, and trying to create that for someone else is impossible. So, it becomes a set up for incredible self hatred, pain, and feelings of rage, betrayal and incompetence if we think we are supposed to do that. Once you recognize it, however, then you can heal it.
Perhaps your relationship with your mother is here to show you that there is another way you can choose to believe and to perceive life. Maybe she is a mirror for you of what happens when one does not face one's own fears. When we truly learn to Love, then we are not caught up in or triggered by other people's misconceptions, illusions, and fears. You can smile with deep, but non-entangled compassion at what another person is choosing to learn and experience and create in their life, no matter what it is.
It is like watching a child learn to walk. We can be very compassionate, and in that way we facilitate and support their soul's emergence into higher levels of understanding. But true compassion means that we don't take on their distortions. We don't get hooked by them - we stay clear, take care of ourselves, and lovingly allow them to get to where they are going by honoring their journey from a place of not being attached to their timing, or where they're at, or making them wrong in any way.We trust in the perfection of each soul's journey. But we make choices for ourselves that are for our Highest Good. And we certainly don't believe whatever distortions they are caught in. That way we do not hurt ourselves by believing what isn't True for ourself. Your choice - to grow in love and clarity, taking the best, most loving care you can of yourself, growing in wisdom, balance, and understanding - or to do as your mother has chosen, for now, at least, and stay in fear and shame. It's up to you.