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"My husband isn't passionate about me - I feel insecure about my looks"

Hi Ayal,

I have a rather daunting problem. My husband and I are on our fourth marriage counselor and the whole marriage seems to be going down the tubes. I cannot get over the fact that my husband does not think I am especially beautiful. He might deny this but his actions as well as some of his words seem to support this. I have been struggling with not feeling good about the way I look and have been looking for a man who is passionate about me, for my internal qualities as well as my external looks, for years.

Once I came close to finding a relationship like that. I still felt insecure about my looks, especially when he noticed other women, but his ability to show love for me in the way I needed it to be shown helped me to feel more secure.

Another thing with my husband that is not helping is that my husband is 10 years younger than me. He has actually told me (a few times) that I could never be a model, and that I'm not the most beautful woman in the world, but that he loves me anyway. I don't know why but I cannot accept this. Furthermore, he has not really been passionate about me for years (he says this is because we have been fighting for so long) and he rarely tells me I'm beautiful or even pretty - the only compliment he gave me even from the beginning was that I was cute. He is often warm, caring and affectionate but does not show any strong physical attraction, either in or out of the bedroom. I have tried to get a jealous reaction out of him on several occasions by looking at other men, but he says it does not bother him if I look at someone else (he does it frequently). If a man flirts with me (which rarely happens), that doesn't usually seem to bother him either. Is there something wrong with me to want my husband to see me as the most beautiful woman in the world? Isn't is true that people who genuinely love each other see each other through different eyes as their love for each other deepens?

Please help me if you can. I am in a tremendous amount of emotional pain, and am wondering, if this relationship ends, if anyone will ever be able to love me in the way that I need to be loved, both inside and out.

Hi - well, reading your letter, I feel a bit daunted myself, because my site is all about how people create their OWN reality, and I have even requested strongly in my opening letter on the home page that people read the Laws of the Universe first, before they write in a question to me, in order to gain some understanding regarding this. The Laws state as clear as clear can be that we create our own reality 100%, and no one can create in our reality, or make us feel bad, or angry, or beautiful or unbeautiful, or anything else. They state that your upsets or issues are NEVER about another person, place or thing. It's only about what YOU choose to believe about life and yourself... and this means that it is not about your husband and what he does, or doesn't do. Your letter is all about your husband and what he does and how he "makes you feel". He can't make you feel either beautiful or unbeautiful. That's up to you, and you alone.

Before I answer this anymore, Peggy, you need to read the Laws of the Universe at least twice through, and think about what it means. Then, if you have questions, we'll talk more, and then I'll be glad to offer help, once I've seen that you are doing something to empower yourself. It's not up to me to do this for you when the basic and necessary info is right there in easy reach for you to read it and understand it. Your asking me to figure this out for you, when all the letters deal with this kind of thing, and all the info is right there for you to do it for yourself, is the same issue you are having with your husband - thinking it's up to someone else to do it for you, or make you feel better. It isn't. It's up to you.

Blessings, Ayal

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138. "I feel numb in my heart and my body"


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