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"I'm being attacked a lot and it is a struggle to keep going"

Hi Ayal. I just happened on this site and I think that the program may have something for me at this time. I am trying to come out of a consciousness and perceived life experience where I am in survival mode frequently. The mirror I seem to have created for myself involves some pretty heavy, harsh attacks with some issues of victimization and just enough "power" to survive (no doubt from childhood). I do not know how to take responsibility for this to change it. Do you have any words of wisdom on this for me?

Hi - thanks for the letter and for being aware - for taking responsibility for the fact that what the world is mirroring for you is a reflection of your own perceptions and issues. Good work! That's half of it right there! You said that you don't know how to take responsibility for changing it, but seeing what you experience as a mirror of you stuff IS taking responsibility for it. Now, the other half is what you asked for: " Well, what do I do about it?"

OK. When we are living on survival status and basically just enduring, what that tells us is that we really DON'T believe that we have our own power. We are still placing that power into the hands of others, and that is... yup... victim consciousness. Playing the victim. You don't believe yet that you are a totally complete, infinitely powerful being. You have the right to continue having that experience of being powerless, or, you can choose to change it. Yogananda, an enlightened master, once said that there is enough energy in ONE cell of our bodies to light up the whole city of Chicago for a week! Now - given that understanding, knowing that we are made from the Divine Intelligence that created this Universe, and all others, we come to understand that we are individualized aspects of that Consciousness, which is immortal, Pure Energy. Unlimited in what it can create. But, if you believe that you don't have power, or are an aspect of God, or Universal Intelligence, whatever you choose to call it, Prime Creator, etc., well, what you will experience is what you believe.

So, the place to start is this: What do you get out of believing that you have no power? What would you feel and what would happen if you allowed yourself to wake up and get that you are infinitely powerful? What comes up for you when you go to that place? What way of living and believing do you have to let go of to have your own power? Are you ready to have that level of understanding and to choose differently for yourself? It's all about making choices in each and every moment what we will believe in and create, isn't it? I invite you to write down your answers to these questions and see what you come up with.

Basically, you haven't yet committed to Yourself. You are still thinking that it's up to others to do it for you, which is to stay a child who is frightened and wants to be taken care of. We think that feels good, but after a while, I have found, at least, that it doesn't. When I got to that point, I was willing to see what it would feel like to be powerful, not bowled over by other people's stuff all the time and not scurrying around in terror every time someone was in an emotional outburst or a distortion of energy. When I finally got to that point, I decided that I had the right to choose what I wanted and what felt good to ME. Being in fear all the time was not, I finally got, where I wanted to be. And I finally understood that it was up to me to do something about it.

All that time I kept thinking that if everyone else changed and got it, I'd be safe. I didn't realize I had to let go of wanting ANYONE else to be different. I finally got that I couldn't change them or create in their reality - only in my own. I had to disconnect from sending all of my thoughts and energy out to others, where I thought my security was, and bring it back to me. I had to connect to Myself. That doesn't seem like such a HUGE realization but it is, because when you get that, you move out of being a victim and into being a Creator. And to do that, I had to do my own inner healing work to see where my fears and distortions were coming from.

When you make an unconditional commitment to yourself, your own journey, who you really are, and what you came here to do, that makes all the difference. Then you are not dependent on others, giving your power away to them, or entangled in thinking that your life or well being depends on them. If your well being is only up to you, what you experience is dependent ONLY on what you CHOOSE to think and feel at any given moment, in any given situation, no matter what anyone else is doing or putting out. If you keep on thinking it's up to someone else to do it right or differently so that you'll be safe, then you never face yourself or stand in your own power, facing your own journey.

For instance, someone may be very angry, and they project that anger out at you because they are not taking responsibility for what they are feeling or needing to see and understand about themselves. Now, if you get triggered or hooked by that anger and think, "Oh, they're right. I'm bad. This is about me" Or, even if it just upsets you or triggers fear or anger in you, you are simply being shown where you are still in fear or anger and not choosing Love. So, YOU have created them attacking you to show you something important about where you still carry a false belief. When you stop for a moment, take a breath, and ask yourself to choose to respond differently, choosing Love and clarity at that moment, however, your response might be something like this: "Oh. I see that that person is choosing to experience anger. Since they think it's about me, they are still caught up in being a victim and believing that someone else is responsible for their anger. That is why they are projecting it outward instead of taking it inward and seeing what their lesson is. Hmmm....well, that's where they're at on their journey. I have compassion for them as I remember that being in that place is not conscious and usually doesn't feel very good. I choose, however, to honor that they have the right to grow and come to awarenesses at their own pace, and I choose to trust that their timing is perfect for them. I choose in this moment to be in Peace on my journey. I see their fear as an illusion which I choose not to get caught up in. They make their choices, and I make mine. Mine is to be at Peace."

If this seems too much for you to cope with, and their energy seems too overwhelming, or you find yourself still emeshed in fear, call out inwardly to your Guidance for help, however you name it. Just say: "Help me _____to choose Peace (or Love, etc.)". That help is always right there with you, and is activated as soon as you make the choice to connect with it. Pretty neat, huh?" So - by healing the fear in yourself, by detaching from it, you let them run their race the way they choose to, in other words, and you remain at Peace. You inwardly bow to them as one soul in process, to another, as they run by, but you don't let them bowl you over with their methods or energy voltage or choices. Their behavior or energy has nothing to do with you unless it is a mirror for you. Even if someone is loving you, that love is not something to get dependent on. You can enjoy the experience of it, but it is still a mirror for you of yourself and your own, inner connectedness to Love at the Source of your being. That Love is always there, and always connected to you, and that you CAN count on and look to.

And everyone else is, in the final analysis, connected there too - but - everyone has different experiences each and every moment, so although you may be desiring to feel love at a given moment, someone else may be experiencing anger. That is why you connect inwardly to the Power of Love, within yourself. Then you HAVE it, and you share, or radiate that energy, and that then gets mirrored back to you through outward experiences. You make the choice, each moment, to be conscious - to make choices for yourself and your well being, to live by those awake and aware understandings, where YOU choose what you are willing to feel. You run your race the way YOU choose to, and you make your own decisions for yourself how your race will be. We still relate to others, but from that place of walking through life having our own inner authority - being our own Master, our own strong, graceful, dignified, utterly peaceful Tree of Life with our own root system connecting us to all we need.

You can only create being attacked if you think that you have done something wrong, that you are guilty of something. Such a thought, which is based on a false understanding, leads to fear. Since there is no right or wrong, that thought that you did something wrong and deserve, therefore, to be attacked, is an illusion, so why believe it? Only Love is Real, and there is no right or wrong in Love. When you are in fear, you have momentarily forgotten who you really are - your Godself - a being of infinite power whose only Truth is Love. You know what the acronym for FEAR is? False evidence appearing real. Something can only appear real if you choose to believe it. That doesn't make it real, however. It just means that you are choosing to believe in it. Each moment we have the option and opportunity to choose differently, yes?

If someone thinks that they can attack you because their own distortions or perceptions tell them that you did something wrong or "made" them angry, they are in an illusion, a false belief, because you CAN'T create in their reality - only they can. So, they are in fear, or in an illusion as well, and they are choosing to not face it in themselves. That's up to them. But, if YOU think THEY can create in YOUR reality, then you are in an illusion too. The trick is to find out what's creating the illusion. Ask: "What's this fear - in me - really about?" Identify it. All you have to do is ask to see what it is.

Did you get all this? It's a lot. If not, just mull it over for a while. Sit with it, and let it percolate. When it's done cooking in your awareness, it will be there for you to use and understand exactly at the right time.

So, perhaps where you get stuck is that you have this old belief, or attachment, to believing that you did something wrong. Any attachments we carry do not allow us to be at the neutral point where we are clear and open to receive true guidance, knowledge and understanding from our Higher Self. An attachment to something is like static on a radio station. Only when the dial is tuned properly, which is the zero, neutral, balanced point, the place of peace that rests at the center, like the still point of a see-saw, do we get our real Knowledge.

Your key may be to find out what you feel guilty about. Guilt comes from some judgment we hold about ourselves. For instance, as a little girl, I thought if I had been better, somehow, my parents would have not fought and been unhappy. So, I thought I had to fix the situation. I thought it was my fault and therefore my job to make it all better. When I couldn't fix it and make it better, or "do my job", I made a judgment about myself that I wasn't good enough or wise enough or strong enough. Since I believed I wasn't good enough, or strong enough, that belief created me getting attacked all the time and I was told in various ways, or I should say: I interpreted what was said in such a way that I always heard it as an attack, that I wasn't good enough - as the universe mirrored my belief. It also played out in relationships where I didn't think I had any power ( not strong enough or capable and therefore dependent on others to feel secure).

Ask to see what this issue is for you, and once you get it, on a core level, then play with releasing that belief and creating a new one for yourself. Use the power of intention, which is thought made manifest: "I intend creating ______________". See this intention, and feel the results of it already being there, already with you. You can use this tool and power of intention for EVERYTHING - even little things in your life - getting a parking space, or finding someone to mop your floors... anything, and by practicing it all the time, you begin to see when those things manifest, that you DO have this power to create whatever you choose. But - the key is - create your intentions, NOT from fear, or lack, or need, or panic or anger, but from the neutral point, the zero point, of just choosing clearly and consciously, making your own choices for you, with Love for yourself and how you want to be, what you choose to have, without an emotional charge. What you actually do then, when you create a new belief and a new emotion to go with that belief, is to create a new neurological pathway in the brain. Instead of going down the same old track with the same old thought and emotion connected to it, you actually create and pioneer a new trail to new terrotory and new experiences. Fun!

Your security isn't outside of yourself. It's only within. Your only job is to make choices that work for you. It doesn't have anything to do with anybody else. You are not dependent on what they do to feel or be safe. It's all about you choosing for you. So, what do you choose to believe and feel?

Blessings, Ayal

134. "Need independence be at the cost of compassion?"

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