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"I had a terrible abortion which I now deeply regret. How can I heal?"

Dear Ayal,

I have been thinking for a long time now to write you an email with a problem that I have been trying to deal with. I was seeing a very good homeopath for a period of time and have made great inward progress with her help and support. She is also a great friend of mine and a very deep and spiritual person. I know that she would love to help me out but it is impossible to get in contact with her right now. I think my homeopath knew that sooner or later this repressed issue will come up and unfortunately it's later.

So I was hoping that maybe you could throw some light on the subject and give me some advice.

About four years ago I had a abortion and I still feel very depressed at times and suffer more now than then. The more spiritually aware I become, the deeper the pain. I will go back a bit in time and explain in more detail...

I was very much in love with my then boyfriend. He is Moroccan and I felt in love with him and his beautiful country and decided to live with him. Our relationship was going very well and we were very happy; there were some cultural differences of course and it wasn't all easy. We had a business together and a year into our relationship we decided to try to get him a visa to be able to come to Spain, where I used to live before, and start a new chapter there. We applied for the visa and had to wait six months for the reply. Meanwhile we decided to go travelling throughout Morocco as we had worked very hard in our restaurant and we needed a break, and I had been wishing to see more of Morocco.

Towards the end of our trip I started feeling nausia and knew without a doubt that I had become pregnant. When we got back I did a home test and it was positive and calculated that I must be around five weeks. We were both supprised as we weren't planning on having a baby, but we were both happy with the news and looked forward to becoming parents.

I went back to Spain to see my mum and sister and to see how the visa situation was going as the six month waiting period was colse to the end. I was feeling excited, happy and also a little scared of the unknown, motherhood.

I went the next day to see about my boyfriend's visa and to my horrible surprise they had rejected his application and told me to try again because each year they only give out a certain amount visas. My world crumbled around me at that instant and my whole body started shaking. All of a sudden I was full of fears. Fear of having the baby in Morocco, in a country that I didn't know that well, fear of having the baby alone in Spain without my boyfriend being there with me. I was scared.

Fear got the better of me and I decided to have a abortion. Not only that but the the clinic I went to were obviously not very advanced in their abortion procedures. Local anaesthetic, monitor pointing my direction, I could see step by step what they were doing. I pleaded with them to turn the monitor away from me. I wanted to get up and leave and have my baby but the doctor told me that now it was too late as the local anaesthetic would have damaged the fetus. I was hysterical. Then it was all over. The abortion was completed. They told me to get dressed gave me half an hour and told me to please leave as there were patients waiting. I felt empty, alone, part of my soul had been aborted, my heart was aching. I felt like I had been treated like an animal.

I went home and cried and cried and cried. It was with out a doubt the worst experience in my life. My boyfriend pleaded with me to come back to Morocco and that he wasn't angry with me and that we could try to concieve again if that was what I wanted. He never agreed on me having the abortion. But I just felt emotionally cold and told him that I wasn't ready to come back.

I went into a deep depression, had many suicidal thoughts, felt as though I was living in somebody else's body, didn't recocgnise myself any more, couln't look at myself in the mirror let alone my eyes. I got myself a little job to try and keep my mind from going crazy. And hadn't told a soul what I was going through, not even my mum, she didn't have the faintest idea that I had been pregnant. Only my boyfriend knew but as I was not ready to talk to him nor see him I was all alone. He called me many times pleading with me to come back.

Six months later I decided to go to Morocco and visit him. We shared our pain and shared with each other what each of us had been through. I apologised to him for what I had done as I was feeling so guilty, but he told me that he understood me and was not angry with me. He only wanted me to stay and carry on with our relationship. I felt that all had changed and decided to leave again and went back to Spain.

Two months on I went to visit him again and wanted to stay with him and start all over again, but this time it was him who was unsure whether that was a good idea or not and that's where our relationship ended, if it hadn't already ended much before.

I am now 28 years old and in a relationship with someone since almost two years. We are very much in love and are planning to get married this year. I never thought that after what had happend that I would be so much in love with someone again but here I am in love with the man of my dreams. We have decided to have a child together and that's probably why all my suppressed fear and frustration and mistrust is coming up. The past is definitely reflecting in my new relationship. We have been making love without protection for over a year and I don't seem to concieve. Each month when my period comes I feel a little sad.

But this month has been the worst. My period came yesterday and I just burst into tears. My partner gave me a big hug and told me not to worry, that sooner or later we will have our little angel. This morning I woke up crying, feeling as though I have made a big mistake. I should never have left Morocco and should never have had the abortion. I simply threw away a beautiful gift that the Creator had given to me. What have I done??? Maybe God has punished me and now I will never have children. That's how I felt this morning but after sharing it with my partner I feel much better. He knew before about my abortion and is always there for me if I need to talk. I hope I haven't hurt his feelings with all that I was saying today.

But I am truly concerned. Will we ever concieve, will we ever have children and when???

I feel like my patience has run thin. I'm frustrated and sad. I want to heal the old wounds and move on. I have tried with all my knowledge to do what I can. Please could you give me some advice.

I have prayed and sent healing to the little soul that I aborted and said that I'm sorry, that I was scared too and didn't know what to do. I feel her close to me at times and hope she will come back to me if that's how it should be.

Thank you for listening and for your time, it is very much appreciated.

Much love and light

Hi -

Well, what seems to be going on here is that you suffer from a lack of belief - when things get tough or you're left on your own, you feel terrified and lost and have no inner belief strong enough to stand on or keep you going in a steady way. So, when you get scared, you freak out and make hasty decisions, or decisions that have no grounding or firm foundation under them. Then you regret it later, as some of your decisions go against what your moral values are (and then you feel guilty), or even what you may need. There seem to be some issues of inadequate bonding going on for you which have something to do with this. If we don't bond appropriately and adequately with our parents when we are born, there can be a lot of difficulties later on in life. You can feel that you don't know how to love yourself or others, or that you don't know how to take care of yourself, which can be tough when you're on your own and need to make good decisions. A child needs to bond with her caretakers soon after birth - I think you didn't get this bonding, and so this creates your feeling very lost and afraid.

You need to develop the strength to take responsibility for your decisions. You need to become your own loving parent first, before you can be a good, loving parent to a child. This is what you need to grow and bond to in yourself. You can start this by putting in a new program into your system - one that says something to the effect of: "I am now willing and ready, and I now allow myself to connect with and bond to my own, inner, wise parent. I am willing and ready and able now to stay calm and steady in the midst of life's events, and I make responsible, well thought out decisions for my highest good that allow me to create new events for my life, events that serve me well." When you make this intention, or one to this effect in your own words, feel it strongly - feel how that would feel to be grounded and calm, with a strong inner belief that all is well, that you can trust yourself, that you know how to love yourself and take care of yourself, and how good it will feel to make wise decisions. Feel that in your being. Breathe it in. Deeply. Say this affirmation at least twice a day for 4 months.

You also need to cut the cords to your other lover - you are still connected to the past and you are feeding the energy of guilt to your body, as well as losing energy and weakening yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically by staying in the past due to your guilt. To do this, imagine that you can take a scissors and cut whatever cords are still connecting you to this other man, to the pregnancy, the baby, or whatever you need to release yourself from. Then, knowing that this is for the highest good of all concerned, sending out light and blessings, cut whatever cords are going out from your being to these people or situations.

Guilt is a very destructive, non-productive thing and doesn't serve anybody. There is no need for guilt. We are all here to learn as we go, to grow and change as we gain more wisdom through the experience we call life. Isn't that what you would want to teach your child when you have one? Begin by teaching it to yourself. Learn how to stay in the present moment with calm, steady, loving energy. Use your breath: gently breathe in love, and breathe out peace, with every breath. Feed yourself the loving energy that sustains you and nurtures you and keeps you calm and well. Be a good mother to yourself.

Your 1st chakra needs some energy - it deals with life motivation and the will to live - ask that this chakra be healed and that whatever needs to be released from it be released, and whatever needs to be restored or given to it for its perfect health and functioning is given. Imagine a beautiful fire-engine glowing, gently spinning red light there, at the base of your tailbone. Do this twice a day for a while. You can also use a numerical frequency to help this: just say this when you work on this chakra: "I sponsor myself to the Creator, the Cosmic All, the Masters, and the Creator Entity to have my correct, perfect, life motivation energies - 56.93. Thank you."

You seem to have difficulty expressing and sharing your true feelings, due to some issues of not trusting, and if you can start doing this, it will allow you to make better decisions and to heal in many other ways. This has something to do with issues you carry about sexuality and love relationships. If you have some underlying belief that sexuality is bad, or that you are bad for experiencing it, you will create chaotic situations that have to do with sexuality. You have already seen how that can get created. You mentioned that you wondered if God is punishing you. God doesn't punish. God is unconditional love, eternal patience and tolerance. You need a new understanding and belief in what God is all about! How can you trust or bond with the Creator, (which is you and everything else) or ever feel safe and secure, or allow Love, which is what God is, into your life with that kind of belief? We also see God as the great parent - don't we call God "Mother" and "Father"? How can you create being a good parent to yourself or a child with that kind of image of God as a role model? That's some old funky stuff, which you can keep if you choose to, or let go of and re-pattern if you choose to. It's up to you.

So, God doesn't punish. But - there are consequences to the decisions and choices WE, OURSELVES, choose to make. And there are consequences if we carry beliefs that are not clear. Just like there are consequences if you choose to play in a mud puddle. Same thing. But then all you need to do is figure out how to wash the mud off when you're ready and put on something clean. Same with beliefs that are muddy. I invite you to examine any beliefs you may still hold about sexuality and guilt - sometimes these beliefs can come from childhood, what we grew up with, or something we heard, or some experience we had. It's important for you to understand what's in your mind regarding this, conscious or otherwise.

You still have a lot of judgment that you put on yourself in lots of areas. This depletes your energy and makes you even more afraid, and that makes it even harder for you to deal with what comes up in life. judgment is not Love. If you are judging yourself so harshly that you can't stand at times to even look at yourself in the mirror, how then will you be able to create calm, steady energy, the energy of loving yourself, which then allows you to live life from a place of strength and trust? Where did you learn to judge yourself so harshly? Where did that come from? And, do you still want to keep operating that way? If not, say some powerful intentions to release that way of doing things, and put in how you choose to live life now. If you judge yourself, you will also judge others in the same way. How then would you be able to love your partner or your child? How can you ever feel safe with another person if what you are seeing in them is stuff you need to judge them for? Or, how can you ever feel safe with yourself? judgment is like guilt. Very unproductive. I suggest that you let go of that stuff!

There is a very, very deep need to understand real nurturing of the self - how to do that, how to love oneself unconditionally. This goes back to the bonding issue. You are needing to understand and experience and cultivate within yourself true maternal nurturing and warmth. A good, loving mother is a steady mother - before you have a child, it will be very important for you to learn how to become steady, knowing what your truth is and able to share it with firmness and a calm belief in yourself, but not in a judgmental way. This is the path to becoming balanced. I would invite you to focus on your own inner work, your own inner child, before you have an outer one. Develop these qualities first. Having a child won't make it easier, or bring you greater feelings of safety or security right now. You've got some work to do here. Take your time, don't be hasty, and make good decisions.

An Aura-Soma product would be very helpful for you at this time to work with these issues. It is the essential oil #2 - for deep peace and maternal love and nurturing. You can order this from

Blessings, Ayal

100. "I like a relationship on the edge - why?"

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