The Art Of Giving Pleasure Out Of Fullness
We all want to believe that we have now experienced a sexual revolution in our society: yes; pornographic material is distributed more freely, yes; dildos and edible panties come in more colors, yes; whips and cuffs come in all sizes, yes; vibrators have gone super high-tech in terms of design, ease and variation, yes; cyber sex is gone multicultural, but these shifts and constant search of new forms of pleasure and 'pleasure' activities have also become substitutes for the natural sensory pleasures of sexual intimacy 'implications of a culture that still harbours anti-affectionate hate/fear of actual sexual intimacy itself.
In the realities of relationships, both men and women are still fearful of real intimacy and are distrustful and suspicious of each other. 'Women distrust men who they believe are "out to take from them like thieves" and men see women as objects of fear and curiosity and treat them as such.' Human to human, skin to skin intimacy still creates intense anxiety between two people who are attracted to each other and seem compatible in all areas. Even the mere touching of the arm in conversation is suspicious as each thinks it's a come-on sexually. When it comes to sex, women will grant or withhold it to "subdue" men to get what they want, and men do their best to "quickly grab" it and run away as far as they can, if not physically, emotionally. '
And if a sexual relationship is not pleasurable, we conclude that there must not be enough love or there is something seriously wrong with the other person. Similarly, if another person's sexual feelings or practices are substantially different from our own, most of us think there must be something terribly wrong with them.' We typically do not question our perceptions, expectations and motivations, instead, we just move on to the next relationship. 'A continuing failure to find sexual satisfaction leads to a continuing search for new partners.' For some, great or even mediocre sex is enough reason to stay in a relationship that is otherwise unfulfilling in all other aspects.
The idea that two people who are intensely attracted to each other or deeply love each other depend on the other's ability to be released pleasurably through orgasm is common in modern societies, especially in our North American society. We've become ritually addicted to this pleasure that we constantly hope to acquire it again and again 'this is even been made easier by the use of tantric and meditative sex techniques. Our outer lives have become very complex so that we can acquire that pleasure, yet our inner lives are a theatre of jealousy, anger, long-simmering resentments, emotional wounds, memories of painful humiliations, confusions, fears of inadequacy and rejection, distrust, control and conflict, self-doubt, confusion and shame.
We may be able to reach or bring another to multiple orgasmic heights by stimulating another's genitals to exact technical specifications but withhold our Self from them at the same moment. And while fantasy and sexual aids are an important part of lovemaking, jump-starting the body to reach orgasm while "bypassing" intimacy distracts us from what is really going on from the inside. This "horniness" model of sex is more of "sex out of emptiness" rather than "sex out of fullness". It presumes that once we reach orgasm, we are "satisfied" and therefore can roll over and go to sleep.
It is easy to be tempted into withholding our Self from someone else because when we are most truly ourselves we are vulnerable. The brain, in a desire to "protect" will come up with all kinds of excuses, reasons and alternatives that steer us away from surrender, abandon and turning oneself over to the power of the unknown and unknowable. Because the brain interprets surrender only in negative terms, we have no reference as to how to skillfully deliberately and artfully surrender or loosen our habitual restraints. When we do go out of control or try to loosen up, we often do so rebelliously, blindly, recklessly and dangerously. If we get hurt in these times, it only reinforces the brains fear of surrender.
The irony here is that, it is only by entering this door of helpless surrender that we are truly intimate. Intimacy in itself is a self-reflective process rooted in the concept of surrender 'surrender to the facets of ourselves that are more unruly, highly energized, spontaneous, unpredictable, uncertain and closer to the primal forces of nature. What we experience during these new openings and expansions is almost certain to surprise us. The intensity of our true erotic yearnings, feelings, desires, and impulses and the level of awareness of what we're doing during the time we're doing it become much more crucial than all the tactile maneuvers, techniques and bedroom tricks. In determining whether or not one is satisfied "I want you to know who and what I am all about" surpasses shouting "Oh my God" in mid-orgasm.
Part of the great feeling that comes with "I want you to know who and what I am all about" is in realizing that we've reached a level of sexual development where we feel desirous and desirable in and of ourselves. We know that there is a good part of us inside which we unlimitedly and unconditionally offer to another person. Our desire to share this good part of us actually enhances our ability to give pleasure to another person, make love for longer periods of time, feel more energized, stay strong and young.
Achieving sexual potential isn't about "skill", technique or dexterity; it has more to do with what's inside of us. Sexual potential and sexual intimacy begins with learning to be emotionally honest and intimate with our Self 'which means we also need to develop a healthy concept of, and relationship with, our Self. We have to stop presenting ourselves the way we want to be seen, and disclose ourselves with no other goal than being truly known. To get it, we've got to accept and claim who we are; our own emotions, our own life and our own bed. We also have to stand apart from almost everything we've ever been taught about sex; throw away the cookbook recipes and preconceived notions of what works (touch ear and keeping rubbing for four minutes, kiss the neck for two minutes, next run fingers in the small of the back for another two minutes, move to the left and lift leg exactly 90 degrees, count up to fourteen, he/she's ready 'and all that kind of cold and unemotional mechanical nonsense). We must strive to discover what works for us as dynamic and versatile individuals and as a couple with hearts, emotions and ability to experience the unknown and unknowable. We have to be aware, open, trusting and free to follow the intuitive and spontaneous erotic impulses of our hearts and souls, not the garbage our brain or the so called "experts" come up with.
Sexual intimacy out of fullness carries with it a wonderful feeling of finally "being known". Sexual and intimate connection with another has a very powerful effect on a person who is ready to increase their level of Spiritual Awareness. To have an intimate sexual connection with someone else we must be fully aware and present in the moment. We cannot be worrying about whether or not we will have an orgasm because we are not fully participating in the experience; we are robbing ourselves and our partner of the beauty of sexual intimacy. When deeply engrossed in the sexual act we become oblivious to extraneous noise, day-to-day reality fades, and our world ends at the edges of our bed. We keep going until our soul, not just our body, is done.
When we are willing to validate ourselves, we can afford to let our partner know who we are as we are. The bedroom becomes a place for the self to be expressed and spirituality to emerge. We won't need sex gadgets or a new outfit because the wisdom of the soul is of a far higher quality.
In terms of sexual intimacy at profound intensity or emotional depth, most of us are virgins. Maybe we've "had sex" or "made love" and have had multiple "orgasms' with one or more partners, but many of us have yet to "do" somebody or allow ourselves to be "done."
About the author:
Christine Akiteng is an internationally renown Dating Coach with a unique and fresh outlook to what love is really about and what we can expect from our sexual relations. If you enjoyed reading this article check out Christine's Website: www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com for more: The Sweet Smell Of Sexcess, Your Sexual Style Could Be Hurting Your Relationships, The Best Sex Is Spontaneous Sex!, Sex 'Is Yours Waist Up Or Waist Down?