Trans4mind Home Page
~ Making the Human Heart Visible ~

Looking for a better life?

Our online, interactive video workshops present the most effective methods of personal development, combined with personal support from expert life coaches.

Explore Article Library

What You Judge Won't Budge

By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Sheila was stuck. Even though she was trying to hard to change some things in her behavior - especially her anger and her clutter, she found herself doing these things over and over. Then she would get upset with herself, telling herself she was stupid and incompetent.

How often do you tell yourself that you are wrong, bad, inadequate, unworthy, a jerk, stupid, and so on? I've found, in the many years I've been counseling, that most people are frequently inwardly judgmental. Many of us believe that if we judge ourselves, we can get ourselves to do things differently - to do them "right." And if we do them right, then others will like us. Underlying this is the false belief that doing things right is a way to control how others feel about us and treat us.

Most of us are taught, from the time we are very little, that we CAUSE other people to feel and behave the way they do. We are taught by our parents, teachers and other caregivers that we cause others to feel angry, scared, hurt, rejected, or loving and accepting. In the case of Sheila, she was taught that if she did poorly in school, she caused her parents to be angry. Their anger was her fault. In other words, she was IN CONTROL of her parents feelings and reactions because her behavior caused their feelings and reactions. Her behavior caused them to be angry and reject her.

Now, as an adult, Sheila believes that she causes others to accept or reject her, or to feel happy or unhappy with her. She believes that if she can just do things "right enough, she can be in control of others being happy with her and accepting her. We explored this in one of our sessions.

"Sheila, I asked, "Do you think others are in control of how you feel about them?"

Sheila thought a moment. "No, I don't think so. Some days, when I'm in a good mood, I seem to like everyone, and other days, when I'm really tired or upset about something, people can really bug me."

"So how you feel about and treat others has more to do with you than with them, is that right?"

"Yeah, I think that's right! I never thought about that before!"

"What if someone was trying really hard to get you to like them - like giving you a lot of compliments - would that make you like them?"

"Actually, I don't like it when people butter up to me. I just feel manipulated by it."

"So the things they do to try to control how you feel about them don't necessarily work, is that right?"


"So what makes you think that doing things right will have control over others liking you? Don't you think everyone is like you - that they decide for themselves to be accepting or rejecting and that it's often based on how they're feeling rather than on anything to do with you?"

"Oh my God! So why am I trying so hard to do everything right? It's a waste of time and energy, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is. It's not that we can't influence people, but ultimately we have no control over them. Each of us decides, in any given moment, to be loving or unloving, accepting or rejecting, open or closed. No one decides for us who we are going to be, and we don't decide that for others. When you really accept that, you will stop trying so hard and just be yourself. And if you're not trying to do everything "right you might be more accepting of yourself as well."

"So what does all this have to do with my anger and clutter?"

"How it relates to that is that you are trying to change yourself in order to do things right, and one way you think you can change yourself is to judge yourself. You are trying to control yourself just as you try to control others. And what happens when you judge yourself? How do you feel?"

"Awful. I feel just awful, with a big black hole inside."

"And is judging yourself working to get you to stop being angry and to clean up the clutter?"

"It's not working at all."

"Right. When you judge yourself, you create an inner resistance. The way through this resistance is to move out of judgment and into compassion for yourself. Compassion open the door to awareness and choice. It gives you the safe inner arena to see what you are doing - such as getting angry or creating clutter - and to decide what you really want to do differently. Compassion for yourself is essential to moving out of a stuck place. What you judge won't budge!

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: or email her at Phone Sessions Available.


Careers & Employment
Grief & Loss
Kids & Teens
Public Speaking
Self Help
Self Improvement & Motivation
Sexual Relations
Stress Management
Travel and Leisure

From our extensive site, you'll find good info on many topics using this search:

A great way to support your Trans4mind Training is to use these popular and effective hypnosis downloads...

  • The Next Level ~ Designed to radically boost your performance in any field. It's based on a technique used by top athletes and other successful people to help them make a big stride forward.
  • Create Your Own Reality ~ Use the power of your unconscious mind to transform your life.
  • Deeper Self Respect ~ Use hypnosis to connect with your true inner worth.
  • Detach From Fear ~ Tune out nervousness and anxiety with hypnosis.
  • Generalized Anxiety Treatment ~ Use hypnosis as a generalized anxiety disorder treatment and you can feel calm today.
  • Improving Concentration and Focus ~ Learn how to discipline, direct and command your mind to improve your performance.
  • Exercise Motivation ~ Give you powerful keys to getting back on track with your exercise - and staying there.
  • Overcoming Shyness ~ Provides an invisible security blanket allowing you to develop social ease and overcome shyness.
  • Quick Confidence Booster ~ An audio hypnosis session that's specifically designed to get you (quickly!) back on track.
  • Stop Negative Thoughts ~ Learn powerful hypnotic techniques to stop negative thoughts before they start.
  • Overcoming Procrastination ~ Let hypnosis help you get on with what you need to do, when you need to do it. Let nothing hold you back.
  • Think Thin ~ Use hypnosis to re-train your brain and lose weight naturally... that's how to get and stay slim.
  • Fall Asleep Fast ~ Relearn how to fall asleep fast and enjoy a good night's sleep.
Search on an issue that interests or concerns you...

Trans4mind Training is the best thing we've ever done! It's a series of interactive video workshops covering the key challenges we all face in life - to help you achieve greater inner peace and true fulfillment.
Copyright © 1997-2016 Trans4mind Ltd