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Adages for the New Year

By Sam Stevens

The old familiar adages just don't do it for me any more. For instance, consider "the early bird gets the worm." In this age of freelancing, premature ejaculation and peaking too early in one's career (by age 24) a more appropriate adage might be "The early bird dies earlier."

Another one that has been puzzling me lately is "Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy wealthy and wise.' Sure it does if the woman is staying up late cleaning the house and taking care of the kids after working a full day at the office. Not only is the adage sexist but it also doesn't make any sense. Most people who work these hours slave at low paying jobs with little chance at advancement. Shouldn't it read, "Early to bed, early to rise, makes the corporation I slave for wealthy and wise?"

"The doors of wisdom are never shut." This also should be revised to read, "The doors of a 24 hour Drug or Convenience Store are never shut." It is more truthful.

Another migraine-maker is "You reap what you sow." Now whether this is supposed to apply to gardening or whatever, we know this is not true. Many individuals slave for years on projects that don't pay off, couples copulate to try and have babies with no result and people sow wheat all the time only to have it destroyed by frost or rainstorms. In these hard times, doesn't a saying such as "You reap what is available" make much more sense?

Also problematic is the ultimate adage about being sweet -- you "attract more flies with honey." The trouble with this kind of "honey" is it also attracts other creatures such as raccoons, bears and others that would rape you of your charms. Also I am very suspicious of charming people. Often they want to borrow money from you or some other favour. I think it should be changed to "Beware those bearing gifts of honey, as they probably want bread."

I also have a problem with "He who laughs last, laughs best." I think that should be changed to "He who laughs last, laughs alone." Nobody likes a joke at his or her expense.

A bird in the hand is definitely NOT worth two in the bush. A bird in the hand is worth about $2.99 a pound!

I also think "crime doesn't pay" should be revised to read, "Crime does pay, especially if you are a politician."

I would like to also suggest some new adages that are more appropriate for the 21st century:

"Lips that taste wine, shall never touch mine" should be changed to "Lips that taste wine shall never die from a heart attack."

Longing for the pre-Plague era? How about: "Let's put the promise back in promiscuity."

How about "A Rolling Stone gathers no taxes, (especially if they relocate to Switzerland)."

"Do unto others as you would have them do onto you unless you are a sadist."

"A Fool and his furniture are soon parted, especially if there is no downpayment for a year!"

After observing the neighbor across the way, I also came up "Fools who live in glass houses should not strut around naked in front of the window after a shower."

"There's no fool like an old fool" should be replaced with "age and treachery outwits beauty and youth every time."

In these conscientious times, Make Love Not War' would have to be changed to "Make Love Wearing the Appropriate Contraception not War.

I've always thought that saying "Fools rush in where angels fear to tread" makes more sense in reverse. "Angels rush in where even fools fear to tread..." I am thinking about firefighters, policeman, charitable workers, Greenpeace and other angels on earth.

One of the only adages that makes sense to me is the Chinese one "The Bigger The Front, the Bigger the back." Think about it, it makes sense.

I am also fond of the old Jamaican adage "Cat Don't Make No Dog." Well unless you factor in bioengineering in which case it is possible that a cat can make a dog. After all "With God, Anything is Possible and that is What I Am Afraid Of."

About The Author

Sam Steven's metaphysical articles have been published in many high-standing newspapers and she has published several books. You can also read more of her articles at where she is the staff writer. Currently she is studying technology's impact on the metaphysics.


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