Why It's Impossible To Fail At Love
By Brenda Shoshanna
So many times relationships start out wonderfully. Both partners are thrilled, feeling they"ve finally found, "the one". Then as time passes, before they know it, they begin to wonder where has the love gone? Many feel lost when this happens. They do not know what went wrong, how to correct misunderstandings or what steps need to be taken to make things right again.
It seems to many that love is a mystery. When one relationship ends, they fear they may not find someone new, or be able to love again. Or, even when they are trying as hard as they can, often unexpected obstacles arise in the relationship that cannot be overcome. Tremendous amounts of time, energy and emotion are wasted pondering this situation. In some cases, entire lives are de-railed. None of this is necessary.
Stop a moment and think about it. You would never try to build a building without first getting an architect's plan. Without a strong foundation, any passing storm would easily knock the building down. The same is true of relationships.
So many jump into relationships wanting to fly to the heights without having any understanding at all of how to build a relationship with a foundation that will allow their love to stand tall and strong. They mistake all kinds of emotions, needs and fantasies for love.
However, just as an architect knows and respects the laws of gravity, we too must know and work with the basic laws of love. These laws operate unfailingly. They are the cornerstone of all relationships and guidelines for the human heart. Once we learn and apply the basic laws of love, it is truly impossible to fail at love. No matter what happens.
Unfortunately, rather than learn these simple laws, most have absorbed many myths and fantasies. They then suffer greatly when their dreams do not come to pass and either blame themselves and others. However, it is extremely important to realize that the only thing that causes hurt, loss, or distress in relationships are the fantasies we hold onto. Once we replace these fantasies with the simple laws of love, a whole new world opens. Confusion is cleared up and we naturally see the right steps to take.
To begin with, let us discover a couple of laws of love and then learn more about them.
Law #1: It is impossible to fail at love.
No one is a failure in love. Our mistakes, losses, confusion and mishaps do not arise because of love. They arise simply out of our ignorance of who we are and what love truly is. We then feel we don't know where love is hiding or how to act to get and keep it. So, of course, we'll try anything.
All of this can be easily corrected. To begin we need to realize that if we have pain, suffering and upset relationships, none of it is caused by love. Once we learn what love is and how to practice it, we simply cannot fall down again.
Law #2: There's a difference between real and counterfeit love.
Most have trouble in love because they do not know the difference between real and counterfeit love. Like a mirage in a desert, counterfeit love cannot quench your thirst. Counterfeit love is the illusion of love, and this illusion confuses us in many ways. In order to know what real love is, we must know what it is not:
Love is not feeling excited, infatuated, dependent, possessive or attached. If we have strong feelings for a person and feel very sad when they go away, this is dependency, not love. If we think about a person all the time, it's not necessarily love, it could be obsession. If we think the person is the answer to our dreams and will finally make us happy, this is idealization.
Real love is beyond all this. It is a verb and it grows through time, deeds and understanding. Love does not bring unhappiness, it brings fulfillment, healing, kindness, warmth and inspiration. When you know what real love is, and how to make it grow, it becomes impossible to fail at love. You then will know how to build relationships that are based on a strong foundation, that allow you to become all you were meant to be, relationships that can never fall apart.
Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna
About The Author
Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, by working with the unique program in Dr. Shoshanna's new e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Dr. Shoshanna is a psychologist, relationship expert on i.village.com, speaker, and has run over 500 workshops on all aspects of relationships and fulfilling your potential. She is the author of many books, including Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), Why Men Leave (Putnam), What He Can't Tell You And Needs To Say, (Putnam) and many others. You can contact her at mailto: mailto:email@example.com.Her personal website is: http://www.brendashoshanna.com/.