How to Deal with Lying in Children and Teens
By Janet Lehman, MSW
When you catch your child in a lie, it's natural to
feel betrayed, hurt, angry and frustrated. But here's the truth: lying
is normal. It's wrong, but it's normal. In fact, we all do it to some
degree. Consider how adults use lies in their daily lives: When we're
stopped for speeding, we often minimize what we've done wrong, if not
out - and - out lie about it. Why? We're hoping to get out of
something, even if we know better.
I believe that with kids, lying is a faulty problem -
solving skill. It's our job as parents to teach our children how to
solve those problems in more constructive ways. Here are a few of the
reasons why kids lie. (Later, I'll explain how to handle it when they
Why Kids Lie...
To establish identity: One of the ways kids
use lying is to establish an identity and to connect with peers, even
if that identity is false. Lying can also be a response to peer
pressure. Your child might be lying to his peers about things he says
he's done that he really hasn't to make him sound more impressive.
To individuate from parents: Sometimes teens
use lying to keep parts of their lives separate from their parents. At
times it may even seem that they make up small lies about things that
don't even seem terribly important. Another reason children lie is when
they perceive the house rules and restrictions to be too tight. So
let's say you have a 16 - year - old who isn't allowed to wear makeup,
but all her friends are wearing it. So she wears it outside the house,
then lies to you about it. Lying may become a way for her to have you
believe she's following your rules and still do "normal" teen
To get attention: When your child is little and
the lies are inconsequential, this behavior may just be his way of
getting a little attention. When a small child says, "Mommy, I just saw
Santa fly by the window," I think it is very different from an older
child who says, "I finished my homework," when he really didn't.
Younger children also make up stories during imaginative play, or
playing "make believe." This is not lying but a way for them to engage
their imaginations and start to make sense of the world around them.
To avoid hurting other's feelings: At some
point, most people learn how to minimize things in order not to hurt
other people's feelings. Instead of saying, "I love your new shoes," we
might say, "Those shoes are really trendy right now." But kids don't
have the same sophistication that adults do, so it's often easier for
them to lie. I think as adults, we learn how to say things more
carefully; we all know how to minimize hurt. But kids don't know how to
do that. Lying is a first step toward learning how to say something
more carefully. In some ways, we teach them how to lie when we say,
"Tell Grandma you like the present even if you don't, because it will
hurt her feelings otherwise." We have a justifiable reason--we don't
want to hurt someone's feelings who's gone out of their way for us--but
we are still teaching our kids how to bend the truth.
To avoid trouble: Most kids lie at one time or
another to get out of trouble. Let's say they've gotten themselves into
a jam because they did something they shouldn't have done. Maybe they
broke a rule or they didn't do something they were supposed to do, like
their chores. If they don't have another way out, rather than suffer
the consequences, they lie to avoid getting into trouble.
Again, in my opinion, the overall reason why kids lie
is because they don't have another way of dealing with a problem or
conflict. In fact, sometimes it's the only way they know how to solve a
problem; it's almost like a faulty survival skill for kids.
I believe it's really the parent's job to
differentiate the type of lie their child has told, and to make sure
that it isn't connected to unsafe, illegal or risky behavior. This gets
to the whole point about picking your battles. If you see your child
say to another child, "Oh I really like that dress," and they later
tell you in the car, "I really don't like that dress," you might say
something to them, but you might also let it go, especially if this is
unusual for your child. If they're lying about something that's risky
or illegal or really unsafe, you definitely have to address it. And if
it's to the point of being really significant--like a lie about risky
sexual behavior, drugs, or other harmful activities--you may need to
seek some help from a professional.
So pick your battles. Decipher what's really important
versus looking at what's normal. And again, that often depends on the
developmental age of your child. A four - year - old is going to make
up big whopping stories as a way to be creative and begin to figure out
their world. It's a normal developmental stage. Seven - and eight -
year - olds are going to do some of that as well, but they may have
more black and white thinking. So they might say, "I hated that lady"
when they simply disliked something that person did. I think you can
let those kinds of things slide or just gently correct your child. You
can say something like, "Do you mean you didn't like what she did
yesterday?" This type of stretching of the truth is really the result
of concrete thinking because kids in this age group don't have good
skills to say something else more neutral or tactful.
I don't believe lying in children is a moral issue. I
think it's imperative not to take it personally if your child lies.
Most kids don't lie to hurt their parents; they lie because there's
something else going on. The important part for you as a parent is to
address the behavior behind the lie. If you're taking it personally,
you're probably angry and upset--and not dealing with the more specific
information concerning the behavior.
Here's an example. Let's say your child didn't do his
homework but he told you he did. When you find out that he's lying, he
admits he didn't do it because he was playing sports with friends after
school. If you yell at your child about being betrayed and say, "How
dare you lie to me," that's all you're going to be able to address.
You're not going to be able to deal with the real issue of your child
needing to do his homework before he plays sports. The bottom line is
that your anger and frustration about the lie is not going to help your
child change his behavior.
So lying is not a moral issue; it's a problem -
solving issue, a lack of skill issue, and an avoiding consequence
issue. Often kids know right from wrong--in fact, that's why they're
lying. They don't want to get in trouble for what they've done and
they're using lying to solve their problems. What that means is that
they need better skills, and you can respond as a parent by helping
them work on their ability to problem solve.
How to Address Lying: Staging a "Lying Intervention"
While it's important to address the behavior
behind the lying, if your child lies chronically or lies about unsafe,
risky or unhealthy behavior, I think it makes sense to address the
actual lying by having an intervention. A "lying intervention" is
really just a planned and structured conversation about the lying
behavior. This lets your child know what you've been seeing, and gives
you a chance to tell them that you are concerned. Here are some things
to keep in mind:
Plan ahead of time: Think about how you're
going to intervene beforehand. Plan it out ahead of time with your
spouse; if you're single, ask another close adult family member to be
there with you. When this issue came up with our son, my husband James
and I planned out what we were going to say, how we were going to react
emotionally, and even where we were going to sit. We decided we were
going to be neutral and that we would be as unemotional as possible. We
made a decision about what the problem behaviors we wanted to address
were. We also decided what the consequences for our son's behavior
would be. We did almost all of this ahead of time.
Don't lecture: When you catch your child lying,
remember that lecturing is not going to be helpful. Kids just tune that
out. They've heard it over and over--and when you start lecturing, the
kids are gone. They're no longer listening and nothing changes. So what
you need to do instead is to identify what it is that you're seeing and
what you're concerned about.
Be specific and talk about what's obvious: When
you're talking with your child, be specific about what you saw and what
the problems are. You can state calmly and in a matter of fact way, "If
the lying about homework continues, this will be the consequence." Or
"It's obvious you snuck out last night. There will be a consequence for
that behavior." Remember, it has to be a consequence that you can
actually deliver on and are willing to follow through with.
Don't be too complicated in your message: Keep
it very focused and simple for your child; concentrate on the behavior.
And then tell him that you want to hear what was happening that made
him feel he needed to lie. (You are not looking for an excuse for the
lie, but rather to identify the problem your child was having that they
used lying to solve.) Be direct and specific. The intervention itself
would be quick and to - the - point; you don't want to lecture your
child for a long time. This is just ineffective.
Keep the door open: Because the lie is most
likely a way your child is trying to problem solve, make sure you
indicate that you want to hear what's going on with him. He may not be
ready to talk with you about it the first time you raise the
subject--and this is where the neutrality on the parent's part comes
in. You want to be open to hearing what your child or teen's problem
is. You want to create a safe environment for him to tell you during
that intervention or that first conversation. But if your child is not
ready, it's important to keep that door open. Create this environment
by being neutral and not attacking him.
If You Catch Your Child in a Lie...
If you catch your child in a problematic lie, I
recommend that you not react in the moment. Instead, send him to his
room so you can calm down. Talk with your spouse or a trusted friend or
family member and come up with a game plan. Allow yourself time to
think about it. Remember, when you respond without thinking, you're not
going to be effective. So give yourself a little time to plan this out.
When you do talk, don't argue with your child about
the lie. Just state what you saw, and what is obvious. You may not know
the reason behind it, but eventually your child might fill you in on
it. Again, simply state the behaviors that you saw.
So the conversation would go something like, "I got a
call from the neighbor; they saw you sneaking out of your window. You
were falling asleep at the kitchen table this morning at breakfast. But
you told us that you were home all night."And you might then say to
your teen, "There's going to be a consequence for that. You're not
going to be able to stay over at your friend's house next weekend. And
we're concerned about where you went." Leave the door open for him to
tell you what happened.
Remember, state what you believe based on the facts
you have. Do it without arguing, just say it matter - of - factly. "We
have this information, we believe it to be true and these are the
consequences."Keep it very simple and hear what your child has to say,
but be really firm in what you believe.
A Word about "Magical Thinking"
Be aware that kids and adolescents are prone to
engage in "magical thinking." This means that when your child gets away
with a few lies, he will start thinking he should be able to get away
with them the next time. Often that just feeds on itself, and the lies
become more and more abundant--and absurd. Your child might convince
himself they're true in order to get out of the trouble. I also think
kids often don't want to believe they're lying; no one really wants to
be a liar.
So you'll see kids who've gotten caught smoking at
school say, "No, I wasn't smoking"--even though the smoke is still in
the air. And when you're a kid, you think that if you keep repeating
the same thing over and over again, it will be true. But it's your job
as a parent to say as matter - of - factly as possible what you feel is
the truth. Acknowledge the lie, but give the consequence for the
behavior, not for the lie.
Realize that most kids are not going to lie forever
and ever. There is a very small percentage of kids who lie chronically.
That's more difficult for parents to deal with, and it requires
professional help. In all my years in working with adolescents, there
were very, very few kids that I met who lied chronically for no reason.
Usually, kids don't lie arbitrarily; they have a reason for doing so,
no matter how faulty that reason might be. Your child really does know
right from wrong, but sometimes he overrides the truth.
I'm a parent too, and I understand that it's hard not
to take that personally or be disappointed. But just remember, your
child is trying to solve a problem in an ineffective way. Our job is to
teach them how to face their problems head on, and to coach them
through these confusing years. Over time, I believe they will learn to
do that without lying. ###
Janet Lehman, MSW has worked with troubled
children and teens for over 30 years. She is a social worker who has
held a variety of positions during her career, including juvenile
probation officer, case manager, therapist and program director for 22
years in traditional residential care and in group homes for difficult
children. Janet graduated with a BA in Sociology from Farleigh
Dickinson University in New Jersey, and received her Master's in
Social Work from the University of West Virginia.
"How to Deal with Lying in Children and Teens" is reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents magazine - a weekly newsletter,
online magazine and parenting blog published by Legacy Publishing
Company. Our goal is to empower people who parent by providing useful
problem-solving techniques to parents and children.