Top 5 Regrets of the Dying
By Bronnie Ware
For many years I worked in palliative care. My
patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special
times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks
of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own
mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for
growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of
emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and
eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before
they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything
they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here
are the most common five:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When
people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on
it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most
people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die
knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honor at least some
of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your
health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until
they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed.
They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship.
Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older
generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All
of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on
the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious
choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you
think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become
happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your
new lifestyle.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to
keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre
existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.
Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they
carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However,
although people may initially react when you change the way you are by
speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new
and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy
relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realize the full
benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always
possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own
lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years.
There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and
effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are
dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let
friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death,
the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their
financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status
that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in
order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are
too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It all comes down to
love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the
final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not
realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck
in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity
overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear
of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they
were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have
silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of
you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go
and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness. ###
Bronnie Ware is a writer, singer/songwriter,
songwriting teacher and speaker from Australia. She has lived
nomadically for most of her adult life. Bronnie shares her inspiring
observations and the insights gained along the way through the
diversity of her work. To read more of her articles and learn about her
other work, please visit Inspiration and Chai at http://www.inspirationandchai.com.
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