The formation of my identity, probably to a much greater extent than most, was heavily influenced by my ideas about sexuality. Specifically, growing up in the Midwest and amongst athletes and fratboys, I learned that homosexuality was bad. And that if I had any in me I had to kill it. Over the course of the next few paragraphs I will detail events which catalyzed my understanding of right and wrong, providing fertile soil for an extreme and fixed sense of self to emerge.

Let me first begin with the disclaimer that I had a wonderful, loving and abundant childhood, shepherded by three parents who always had my best interests at heart. While these next few paragraphs may create the impression that neglect or ignorance were operating themes, this is not the case. I can list hundreds of examples of times when one of my parents intervened at a crucial time in my development. Even these incidences aren't ultimately bad or thoughtless - they are what they are and all of us (my parents and I) can learn from them. Simply, I assign no blame.

Moreover, these are only stories. I have no tape to point to nor sworn testimony at hand. This is one perspective of incidents, some of which you'll be able to see were incredibly minor. I created meaning around them - just as one person sees a piece of art and is wildy inspired and another is unaltered or even disgusted - these incidents reflect more of what was going on in the background music of my life. The major movements would have shown up regardless of the situation. That is, I would have read these messages in other events had these not occurred.

There were several concrete incidences which I recall as having a profound effect upon how I saw the world and the way a man should be:

1. "Dad can I get this?" as I handed him the 45 single of the Culture Club's Karma Chameleon. "What is it? Lemme see." I stared up at him as most seven year-olds do with loving and excited eyes. "Ok, as long as you promise me you'll never be gay." I thought for a moment and tried to figure out what the hell he was talking about. I didn't know Boy George was gay, nor what "gay" really meant. I wondered if that music could make you gay and if my dad knew something didn't. Confused by that statement and eager to get the pop song home and rock out, I said, "Ok, no problem." This event would subsequently be a subconscious anchor around which many of my decisions would be made.

2. "Your brother will have no problem pleasing women," my Mom said to me at age eight. I was crushed; I then judged that I had an at best average penis. I wouldn't find out until my 20's that I for certain had an average / normal penis. This event coupled with a comment by my uncle telling me that all Peele men had big dicks led me to believe that I was deformed and not good enough. These two events were set against the background of my late pubescent development, resulting in a tremendous fear that I was not normal. I was insecure in locker rooms and around the overly sexual conversations with my Dad, friends and those I witnessed in media. Subconsciously, I interpreted my lack of sexual interest and assumed small penis as evidence that I might be gay. I even had nightmares that I was actually born a girl, but my parents gave me a sex change operation to have a boy.

3. Age 10. I was ridiculed, called gay and pushed around at basketball camp. Because I hung my shower towel on the bunk above me, it was extrapolated that not only was I trying to jerk off but was also gay. As one of the youngest boys in the dorm I was defenseless. That week sucked.

4. "Nice bracelet, fag." In seventh grade I got really into talking on the phone with girls and making friendship bracelets for them. The two Italians in my class, who coincidentally happened to be sons of mob bosses, didn't think much of that. I fought both of them - one in 5th grade and one in 7th grade. It's hard to tell who won considering I balled my eyes out like Ralphie in Christmas Story, but also secured dominant position on top during both fights and got in the most punches.

5. "Here's my report card. All A's." As he sat across from me at the breakfast table, "Very nice. I'm really proud of you." Beaming with the approval I so desperately sought, "Thanks, Dad." Then a disconcerted look fell upon him, "What the hell is Studio Art?" "It's my elective; my favorite course. We drew, painted, sculpted, got to make jewelry -" "Ok, got it. You chose to take this class?!" Uh-oh, what had I done? "Yeah, Dad, it's a really cool class and the teacher says I'm really talented and can qualify to take Studio Art II next semester." "Listen, if they give you an elective take something useful like Government or Sociology or Economics. You can't work at the art factory." "Ok." And that was the end of my artistic pursuits. Another tent pole in my easily impressionable sense of self.

6. My dad picked me up in the morning after a homecoming party during my sophomore year. "Dad guess what? Some chick sucked my dick in front of a bunch of people." "Well, congratulations." Hammer in another stake - the more ridiculous, public and overly hetero the better.

7. "Here's the deal. You play 3 sports a year, get all A's and I'll let you do whatever you want. You'll get the car, spending money and no curfew." Implicit in this deal was that I also conform to his other expectations regarding dating and social life.

8. "You can do much better, Brandon. That girl is average at best." My Dad conveyed to me the 3-prong strategy frequently. C-prong women were a bit ugly and/or fat; these women were good for booty calls and gang bangs. B-prong women were pretty and thus required you to do stuff like date. A-prong women were not only pretty, but had everything else - the clothes, the cache, popularity, etc. The goal was to always keep your dick wet with the most amount of high-caliber prong. Never lock into anything long-term with B; never be seen in public with C.

9. Age 16. My first sexual experience was traumatic. My girlfriend and I decided to have sex, but I was unable to. A host of factors contributed to my impotence: A. Performance anxiety, B. condoms which were slimny, unsexy and unwielding, C. subconscious questions over my sexuality, D. decreased sensitivity as a result of wearing boxers and being circumcized, E. a general ignorance with regard to how to please myself (I didn't masturbate until I was 18). My rough start with sex led me to overcompensate with a variety of overtly masculine behaviors. Additionally, this spawned my aversion to condom use which continued until my late twenties. In college my motto was, "No condom, no problem"; witness the STD I contracted in my junior year of college.

The takeaway from these experiences was that anything gay, arty or cautious was unmanly. If I wanted to be a man I must throw caution to the wind and be deviant, criminal, funny and most importantly heterosexual. Fuck em all, literally and figuratively. 5 arrests in as many states, 4 totalled cars, an STD, statutory rape, countless blown career opportunities and general sadness/self-loathing are the resulting realities of the formation of my identity. Thus understanding it and unraveling are of paramount concern to not only myself, but anyone within a 50 foot radius.

Please don't blame my father. My Dad is awesome, and all his parenting came only from the most pure of places. He was my basketball and baseball coach, took us to Cub, Bulls and Bears games, bought us baseball cards, wrote us many personal letters encouraging us in our athletic, academic and social pursuits and frequently hugged and told us how much he loved us. However, he was operating from a severely handicapped (as judged by me and only in hindsight) vantage point. His father was a philandering, sociopathic partyboy whose concerns were limited to the sensory realm. Though he made every attempt to learn and model best practices, as evident by many of his cues, there were some remnant pathologies bleeding through the lineage.

Given my present level of self-awareness (more than most and much less than others) I'd say I'm 20-30% gay and 80-70% straight. Again this is given my present level of awareness. It could indeed by much more, or even less. I'm certain I am not 100% gay, as I find nothing off-putting about women. Moreover, while I do find men attractive, there are many practical considerations with regard to being in a homosexual relationship I find insurmountable, such as the lack of breasts, clitoris or a vagina. I ballpark this guess upon the relatived strength of the overtly heterosexual actions I committed to repress and hopefully kill any gayness in me.

My attraction to all beings has shifted markedly with age. Whilst in my uber hetero acting out period I found such a slim percentage of the female population attractive, or atleast I asserted the unattractiveness of all non-model women frequently. I now see the beauty in men, women and children in all shapes and sizes. I've even begun to see the subtle perfection in disease and deformity. My coming of age is very heavily influenced by my philosophical love for unity and my peak spiritual experiences of unity. Thus to openly reject the beauty and sexual attractiveness of half of the population outright just based upon sex, and a further 49% based upon conditioned preferences of old, now just seems silly.

I see myself and all my characteristics, such as desire, intelligence, humor and frustration, in others. As such, I'm beginning to become attracted to a wide variety of characteristics previously thought unimportant. A person's quirks, reading list, ideas and passions now weigh much more heavily upon my general response to their beings than ever before. My growing non-exclusivity with regard to identity and affinity has certainly begun to infect my sexual attraction, and I now am now longer disgusted with aging, men, disease and obesity.

That said, I'm also no longer as obsessed with sex either. While I'm becoming more attracted (intellectually, spiritually and sexually) to a wider variety of beings, I desire sex to a lesser and lesser extent. Or more accurately I see it as an activity of expression and unison, rather than an imperative in the realm of conquest, bragging and comraderie. Sexual intimacy is an activity to bring two being closer together in a way that cannot be replicated by discourse and detached colocation.

Sex, like all sensory delights, is just not that important to me. If I have a sexual feeling, gay or straight, I just observe it and then when it is gone, so is my awareness of it - I don't crave to prolong it nor feel the need to run from it. In the past, when an uncomfortable sexual image would arise, such as that of a dude, or my mom or dad or cousin, I would freak out and just change channels, diving deeper into my rolodex of straight non-family sexual images. Now I just watch. Ok, some dude is fucking another dude. Ok, I'm aroused. It's over. It's not good or bad. It just is. I don't hate this reality anymore than I hate the sun for setting in the evening.

So, if sex ain't important anymore, why even go through this exercise which is certainly uncomfortable for some people, e.g. my parents? This exercise is the result of my awareness, not a window to it. Without Vipassana, without the few moments of awareness I get a day, I would not be able to see this. If I continued on the heavily mediated and addicted path of my 20's I could live my whole life repressing and acting out. By attuning my awareness to the sound of my mental chattering I can release it and no longer be driven by craving and aversion - simply I can just be, without having a desire to be something else.

Sex, Scrubs and Videotape
A wonderful lens into understanding male identity and sexuality is the TV show, Scrubs. My apologies to all the fans of the show who prefer to merely be entertained by it - please stop reading if you would like your enjoyment of this fine program to remain at the base level. All 6 of the main male characters are dealing with repressed feelings of femininity and homosexuality in a myriad of ways. I'm not saying they are homosexuals or ought to be auditioning for RENT, but am I saying that there is a piece of them, as with all men - as asserted by Freud, Kinsey, et al - that is definitely gay. Dr. Cox, Dr. Kelso, Todd and Janitor typify the overtly macho response to fear of their inner gayness (likely small and typical, but possibly quite large in the case of Todd). JD and Turk on the other hand, while just as likely to explicitly deny any gayness, are more inclined to express it in the little games they play with each other and in the artful fantasy scenes the series has become famous for.

For example, Dr. Cox projects his feminity/gayness on JD, calling him a girl, engaging in gay chicken (2 guys move to kiss each other until the first person chickens out), ascribing even spirituality and creativity to realms of gayness or decreeing them unmanly and refusing to kiss his 2-year old son. Everytime he experiences an emotion, he flies into violent rage and/or drinks - his emotional bandwidth is limited to lust and anger. His lack of emotional intelligence and discomfort with foreplay and intimacy is a running joke on the show. Coincidentally the character of Dr. Cox is spawned by a cold, neglectful, abusive, alcoholic father.

JD's character is also the product of an absent father; after his Dad died he was raised by his mother and thus is quite emotionally adept (and as TV goes, even melodramatic), has no love of sports and relishes in fantasy and feminine expression (dance, bubble baths, wizardy, etc.). Though he seems confident to express his fantasies, he remains in denial about their source. While he does indeed have an amazing and deep platonic friendship with Turk, it is colored with homosexual attraction which remains unarticulated, but rather frequently channeled into fantasy, e.g. 3-somes with Turk and Carla, Turk with breasts, etc.

Scrubs is one of the most psychologically complex and astute programs on television and I highly recommend it. It's also brilliantly written, directed and shot. For men, Scrubs allows us to examine the different ways we repress and project parts of our persona that our constructed identity disallows. I propose that this is a huge contributing, though subconscious, factor in the show's success. Each of us sees our own repression/projection in the different ways each character expresses themselves; in that sense the show is eminently relatable.

Conclusion
My identity was formed in reaction to my environment in that I fashioned it to reflect the values of society. The parts of my persona which are unsociable, at least in the Midwest, aka gayness, I repressed and attacked. I opportuned to be the funniest, most sexually active and deviant, most criminally creative person in the room. Many people were hurt by this identity, not the least of which is myself. In my case, understanding sex and sexuality has helped me greatly understand much of my past and may indeed prove fruitful to understanding yours.

Brandon Peele is Founder of Namaste Economics, a set of economic principles defining the path of conscious business.

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