This past full moon and lunar eclipse were very powerful for me. I experienced the energies quite intensely. The night before and after the full moon I couldn't sleep at all. I experienced all the pent up emotions I carried within me. A major illumination finally occurred to me concerning a situation I repeatedly attract in my life. I realized I attract people that will tell or show me in various ways that I am not good enough. I have struggled with low self esteem throughout my life. I receive this message from people that I care about and it hurts me so deeply. I saw that the reason I keep getting this message that I am not worthy of being treated good is because I don't value myself enough or feel I am worthy.
In that moment I was able to reclaim my inner power and truly know that I am worthy of love. I must once and for all stop allowing people, even those I care about, to treat me poorly. It is time for me to stand up for my needs and set boundaries. The messages I have been receiving where others have told me or done things to show me I'm not good enough, have been there to show me that this is not true. When I can really love and value myself, no matter what others say or do, they will no longer effect me in the same way because I won't own it.
I sense that because I haven't truly felt that I deserve love, respect and kindness that when someone would say or do something to hurt me it would penetrate my being and I would feel the pain and affirm that somehow I don't deserve to be valued. Once I completely realize that I no longer wish to experience this mirroring effect in the way that I am treated that I will never attract situations and people that will treat me in this way.
The thing is, so many people show me so much love, kindness and respect. I am learning how to accept love and truly believe that I am worthy of it. I feel with this awareness I can really see that when those I care for do and say things that send me the wrong message, I don't need to own it. In essence they are actually not feeling good about themselves and projecting it onto me. It doesn't mean that I have to believe it or accept the message.
The solar eclipse on January 26, followed two weeks later with the intense full moon energies and lunar eclipse has magnified our issues and brought them to the forefront for us to see and heal them. We are being challenged to go to the next level of conscious awareness so we can clear the issues that have been holding us back from experiencing love and intimacy.
It takes a brave person to face their shadow side and come to terms with patterns that don't belong in the new energy. The message I am getting is that we need to feel our feelings and express ourselves. Upon that realization I cried. I hadn't cried in probably over a year or more. No matter how much I have wanted to cry it has been bottled up inside of me. The tears were a release. We have been suppressing and not feeling what is inside of us. We can't move forward if we are stuck in the past or continuing a pattern that doesn't serve us.
In many instances we have been denying our feelings. We don't want to deal with the fear, anger, resentment, sadness, loneliness, or anxiety we've been feeling. Rather than acknowledging that it is there we pretend it isn't, this way if it is out of sight, it is out of mind. Many think it is not spiritual to feel these emotions so they will pretend they are not there. We are humans for goodness sakes! We are spiritual beings having a human experience and we are being shown that now is the time to feel what is inside of us.
In the moment that I really understood what has been happening with me, I really saw what I have allowed to occur in my life, and experienced the feelings, I was able to transmute it and move past it. I am understanding that when I get these negative messages about myself I can recognize it for what it is and not own it.
We are meant to feel. Our society has become about doing and not feeling. It is time to change that. We need to learn to be in the present moment and allow ourselves to experience pleasure, happiness and love. If we want to fix what is wrong in our lives and world we must realize we have strayed away from feeling.
It can be scary to feel. I think we may wonder if we start feeling our emotions we might go crazy and go on some rampage since they've been bottled up for so long! If we express our anger or fear it might overwhelm and consume us. I truly believe it is safe to show whatever emotion we are experiencing as long as it is in a healthy and productive way. Holding it in is much more dangerous. It leads to illness, anger and imbalance.
In order to experience true intimacy in our relationships we need to allow our emotions to be expressed. When we take a chance to express love to another we risk opening up and revealing our vulnerable and tender side. We must take a risk of getting hurt and rejected. Without opening up we never get the opportunity to experience love, affection, pleasure and true intimacy.
We are being challenged to look deep within ourselves and confront what is there. I had to face my low self esteem issues, feeling not good enough or worthy of love. As we heal our shadow side, we transmute the lower energies that hold us back from loving. We are being guided into the new energy by metamorphizing into who we really are, so we may experience what we really want in our lives. The tears I cried were not only those of sadness and frustration, what I was experiencing is a realization, hey, I am worthy, just because I carried around these feelings since childhood I've outgrown them.
As we acknowledge and accept our shadow side, experience the pent up feelings, and process the awareness, we can then release the issues and let go of those feelings once and for all, and move on to opportunities to give and receive all the wonderful things meant for us.