Trans4mind Home Page
~ Making the Human Heart Visible ~

Looking for a better life?

Our online, interactive video workshops present the most effective methods of personal development, combined with personal support from expert life coaches.

Turning the Tide

By Peter Shepherd

A person who feels they have no power or control in their life may use the tool of physical, mental/emotional or sexual abuse to regain some sense of power. The home and family is perceived as a "safe" place for this, whereas at work they may feel impotent and manipulated themselves.

It is shocking that half of American women have suffered physical or sexual abuse in their lives - and 15% of men. One third of pregnant women are physically abused during their pregnancy, in the USA.

The issue of self-esteem and the effort to improve it through personal growth is not self-pandering or only interesting for wimps. It's central to happiness for adults, children and families. If people don't feel good about themselves, if they can't express their feelings and work toward accomplishing their real needs and goals, they will suffer and they will often make others suffer too.

Emotional charge builds until the point where control breaks down and irrational, uncompassionate behavior follows. Charge is emotional frustration, based on judgment of rightness, wrongness or appropriateness. It is resistance to what is, in other words a lack of acceptance. And the real, underlying factor is always fear: relating to basic needs for survival, safety, belonging, affection, control, certainty, achievement, respect, and so on.

(Note: to break this cycle it helps to spot and reassess irrational beliefs that obscure one's view of objective reality and that reinforce the anxiety. Most of us need some help with this, either from a good therapist or if we feel capable, by using effective personal development tools.)

The people on the receiving end of abuse may also have a big black hole of emotional need, so they accept the abuse. At least it is attention, at least it is a feeling. And to fill their unmet needs they turn to food and other addictions, drink, drugs, cigarettes, manipulative sex, etc. And they abuse others in turn, including the easiest victims, the kids, or others in their care.

People with destroyed self-esteem end up believing they deserve what they're getting; they become brainwashed through intimidation, threats and invalidation. You see the same thing in the military, in cults, even in school.

We each have a personal responsibility to improve this state of affairs, starting with ourselves and our own families. There are some important aspects of behavior that you can teach your kids by example, which will be invaluable for their future lives.

What advantage is it to send a young person out into the world with a head full of knowledge but without the confidence to use it effectively, or the ability to grapple with life's problems with that inner stability and optimism that alone can bring success?

The most important thing your child can learn is that you love them unconditionally, without judgment. That is the rock on which their self-assurance will be built. We need to demonstrate that love by listening, genuinely listening, to our children. By never imposing our own evaluations, instead asking appropriate questions to guide the child to see objectively for themselves. And never making the child wrong when they give their opinions or make mistakes, and try to discover their own unique identity.

Secondly, a child (and each of us) needs to learn that we create our emotional responses based on our interpretation of things. No one "makes me angry" - I make myself angry based on the way I choose to look at things. That is usually highly influenced by the way I have been taught to look at things, especially by my parents, so if we hope for our children to be emotionally intelligent, we need to be ourselves, and we need to base that intelligence on a world view that is open minded and flexible, based on facts and observation, not prejudice and our own cultural conditioning.

It takes time and experience for a child to learn to understand and control their emotions, and to take responsibility for their beliefs, their reactions and behaviors. For this they need guidance and a good example. You.

Adults are children with more experience. Children are adults with less experience. Both deserve respect accordingly.

Peter Shepherd is the founder and producer of the Trans4mind personal development website and author of 'Daring to be Yourself.' He edits and publishes the Inspiring Quotes of the Week Plus and with a team of colleagues has recently launched the amazing Trans4mind Personal Development Training. Get in touch with Peter here.

More personal development articles at the Counterpoint Article Library

From our extensive site, you'll find good info on many topics using this search:

Looking for a better life?

Our online, interactive video workshops present the most effective methods of personal development, combined with personal support from expert life coaches.

A great way to support your Trans4mind Training is to use these popular and effective hypnosis downloads...

  • The Next Level ~ Designed to radically boost your performance in any field. It's based on a technique used by top athletes and other successful people to help them make a big stride forward.
  • Create Your Own Reality ~ Use the power of your unconscious mind to transform your life.
  • Deeper Self Respect ~ Use hypnosis to connect with your true inner worth.
  • Detach From Fear ~ Tune out nervousness and anxiety with hypnosis.
  • Generalized Anxiety Treatment ~ Use hypnosis as a generalized anxiety disorder treatment and you can feel calm today.
  • Improving Concentration and Focus ~ Learn how to discipline, direct and command your mind to improve your performance.
  • Exercise Motivation ~ Give you powerful keys to getting back on track with your exercise - and staying there.
  • Overcoming Shyness ~ Provides an invisible security blanket allowing you to develop social ease and overcome shyness.
  • Quick Confidence Booster ~ An audio hypnosis session that's specifically designed to get you (quickly!) back on track.
  • Stop Negative Thoughts ~ Learn powerful hypnotic techniques to stop negative thoughts before they start.
  • Overcoming Procrastination ~ Let hypnosis help you get on with what you need to do, when you need to do it. Let nothing hold you back.
  • Think Thin ~ Use hypnosis to re-train your brain and lose weight naturally... that's how to get and stay slim.
  • Fall Asleep Fast ~ Relearn how to fall asleep fast and enjoy a good night's sleep.
Search on an issue that interests or concerns you...
 
Copyright © 1997-2016 Trans4mind Ltd