Everyone comes into life with a purpose. You are a unique expression of the universal life force at the foundation of your being. Spirit guides you from the moment your life begins, and the people and events of your life reflect your soul's journey. No one else ever has or will affect the world as you do. With every act, word or thought, you are adding to All-That-Is.

Your family is your first and most influential bond. What you learn from them colors the the way you see yourself and the world. As a child, your physical helplessness makes you dependent on the people closest to you for survival. Too often those relationships are destructive instead of supportive. The family you join already has tendencies: patterns, beliefs, and attitudes which they expect you to share. Going along gets you what you need, so you adapt to fit in. But when you ignore your instincts, you don't feel right. You create the opposite of what you intend.

The good news is you don't have to be a victim of your upbringing. Although people or events in your past can crush your self-esteem, confuse you, and wreck your relationships, the distortion of your natural instincts can be reversed. Your problems can show you what you don't want and inspire you to go after what you'd rather have, so you can set yourself free to become the person you want to be and building a life you love.

This doesn't necessarily mean getting along better with your relatives. You make peace with the past by treating difficult situations, thoughts, and feelings as opportunities to unravel the knots in your heart and mind that keep you from realizing your dreams. You create a new future by drawing on your innate wisdom to help you overcome obstacles and achieve your goals. When you do your best, you tap into a power that's been within you all along, in even the worst circumstances, even when you weren't aware of it.

No matter what happens, trust that what you go through will enlighten you. Don't be discouraged. The most important thing is dedication to trying new things and learning from your experience. Change doesn't happen overnight it comes little by little, more and more, deepening your ability to love, create, and make a difference personally and in society.

So how do you go about doing this? Here are ten ways to spark change in your life and relationships:

1. SET A NEW COURSE - Find your own preferences
   Your new course is first an internal one, which paves the way for external changes. If you're not satisfied with your life as it is, start by imagining that it can get better. What happens in your life is largely up to you, so take time every day to think about what you want. Be willing to try new things. Pay close attention to ideas and feelings that light you up.Allow yourself to feel excited about your possibilities. Courage is accepting reality as it is and working with it to create what you want. Do what uplifts you. What you dedicate yourself to, you can create.

2. TRUST YOUR INTUITION - Tap into your inner wisdom
   When you hear the "little voice of wisdom" inside, listen. Within you is a guidance system that makes itself known through your ideas and emotions. Trust it. If something doesn't feel right, it may mean that it's not for you. Wonder about why not, and what you'd like instead. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Your instincts lead you to where you need to go at the perfect moment for the best results.

   Life can be confusing, and some people do try to manipulate you in devious ways. Stand your ground. Believe in yourself in the face of criticism. No one else can tell you what you need or want. Don't second-guess yourself. Do what you think is best at the moment.

3. LOOK FOR A SILVER LINING - Develop a positive attitude
   Spirit underlies everything. You didn't come here to prove your worth or to find a problem and fix it. You came to express your talents and abilities, to realize your dreams. What you experience depends on how you look at it. How you interpret things plays a large part in shaping your behavior and how others treat you. Search for the positive. Focusing on the negative dulls your energy and ability to cope.

   No matter how bad a situation seems, find something in it to appreciate. Ask yourself, what good could come from this? What can I learn here? The answers you get show you what to do next. You already have inside you the resources to make peace with the past and create a new future. You just have to learn how to use them.

4. TAKE A STEP BACK - Get a bigger picture
   Be on the lookout for destructive habitual patterns. Noticing is the first step to breaking them. Don't fight them, just observe your thoughts and feelings. The deeper you can go, the more you unravel the stuck places in your heart and mind. Bring spirit into the process by inviting metaphysical help in any form that works for you. You don't have to convince anyone of your right to have your life as you want it. Criticism may be only an automatic response based in the critic's own fears. Be influenced by others' opinions only if they inspire you.

5. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY - Communicate effectively
   Be kind. Tell the truth. Speak carefully. Emphasize the positive. Say good things. Be aware of your effect on others. Don't assume you're being understood-- check it out. Make things right. Know when to shut up or decline to answer. Don't interrupt. Don't give unsolicited advice. Don't gossip.

   When you realize you've made a mistake, apologize. Choose your battles. Why make yourself a target? Watch what you listen to. Allow different points of view. Pay attention not only to what someone says-- try to understand why they're saying it. Don't brag, one-up, pretend you're something you're not, or congratulate yourself too much. Don't think of yourself as better than most. Don't put up with disrespect, manipulation or negative thinking from anyone, including yourself.

6. DON'T KEEP SCORE - Set your own standards
   Life isn't about success or failure. Although both teach valuable lessons, fulfilling your potential is the essential goal. Adversity can develop strength. If a dream sours, let it go without judgment or remorse. Assume it's no longer relevant, and look for new options. Even a losing battle can be a stepping-stone to a better situation. Accepting change brings peace of mind.

7. NO VICTIMS, NO VILLAINS - You get exactly what you need to wake up You are not responsible for anyone else, nor are they for you. Relationships are like jigsaw puzzles. All the pieces fit together to create the whole. That means there's no reason for guilt, blame, or shame. Allow things to be as they are. Accept each moment as if you'd chosen it.

   If someone hurts you, look for what you can learn from it. Holding a grudge only drains your energy. Forgiveness doesn't mean that what happened was okay with you; it means releasing the person's power to upset you. You may never forget, but letting go of resentment is more productive. This goes double for forgiving yourself.

8. MEDITATE AND TREAT YOURSELF WELL - Nurture yourself
   Make time to have fun and enjoy yourself. Take walks in nature. Spend time alone. Exercise, rest and eat when you need to, and drink lots of water. Something as simple as a warm bath or good stretch can do wonders in improving your perspective. Laugh. Let yourself dream your fondest dreams. Celebrate your successes, big and small.

   Meditation calms your conscious thinking mind, and helps you access your inner wisdom. Counting your breaths is the basic form, or you can silently repeat a soothing word or phrase like "peace" or "well-being." When your mind wanders, and it will, just bring your focus back and start over. Even ten minutes a day can make a difference.

9. GET OUTSIDE HELP - See beyond your blind spots
   Get counseling, either by yourself or with family members. It helps to talk about your feelings, no matter how embarrassing, strange or awful they seem to you. Find someone you trust and feel compatible with, and be willing to pour your heart out. An objective outsider can help you clear up confusion and set your creative energy free.

   Examine both sides of any issue. Don't follow advice blindly, but do explore ideas that make sense to you to see what happens. Join a group of people with similar interests or circumstances to yours to reassure yourself that you're not alone. Try art, sports, music, or dance for fun and/or therapy. Don't expect The Answer, but serve yourself a variety of ideas to take or leave as you like.

10. MOVE ON - Graduate to living fully
    Respect your own boundaries. Your first commitment should be to yourself and to learning as much as possible from what happens to you. Do what you can, and do your best, but not at your own expense. Only when you're at peace with yourself can you make a real contribution to anyone. Live your own truth, be honorable, and intend the best for everyone, including yourself.

Trying to change someone is futile, no matter how much you care, or how badly you think they need it. You have no control over what anyone else feels or thinks. Working things through can be healing when there's mutual respect, but if you feel hopeless, scapegoated, threatened or frantic, retreat may be the only appropriate choice, at least for the moment. You may need to leave the room briefly, or something as extreme as ending the relationship or moving away. But your changes alter the context of the relationship, so be open to the possibility that the "problem" person may come to treat you differently. If so, you may want to renew the relationship, but don't rush into it until you're confident that things have changed. To leave your mark on future generations, pass along what you learn.

I wish you healing, faith and the courage to make your dreams come true.

Copyright © 2005 Suzanne Gold
Suzanne Gold (BA, MA, Psychology) is a life counselor, spiritual coach, teacher, and co-author of 'Being Yourself: Twenty-Four Ways to See the Light.' She has worked in private practice, residential psychiatric and drug treatment centers, and teaches college seminars as well as meditation and personal growth workshops for individuals, families and small groups. She co-founded a self-help group for women in public housing, and an environmental grantmaking fund. Herself a survivor of a dysfunctional family, Suzanne works with individuals, couples, families, and small groups in person or by telephone. For more information, email, go to Suzanne Gold.com, or call 415-924-0850.

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