Anthony Robbins talks about the concept of gaining leverage on your self. This is used in changing old thinking patterns to new ones. For example, let's say that you'd like to change something with regards to how you date or show up in relationships. Think about something that has not been working for you in your past experiences. Maybe you are always late? Do you give up your power to your partner? Stay in relationships when you know the other person isn't the person of your dreams? Miss out on dating great people because you are afraid to make the first move? Perhaps you become clingy and scare the other person away? Close up your heart?

Maybe several come to mind. Just pick one for now. What is the belief behind this behavior? You may need to spend some time really contemplating this if you don't already know. Or you may have already figured this out when doing personal growth work. Here are some examples of beliefs: "I don't deserve to be loved; I'm afraid of rejection; all the good ones are taken; everybody leaves me; there's no such thing as a happy marriage; I'm afraid to be alone; my partner will take over my life."

Once you are clear on the thinking pattern and behavior that you want to change, write down all the things that continuing this behavior and thinking is costing you. Do you end up rejected over and over? Do you miss feeling a strong connection with another? What is the PAIN that you feel with regards to thinking this way and continuing the behavior? Just keep writing everything that comes to mind.

If you aren't able to feel the pain, then stop reading right now. There's no point in going on. You won't change this particular pattern, because you don't have the leverage you need to do so right now. Change doesn't occur until we are 100% convinced that we absolutely cannot continue to do what we are doing and thinking what we are thinking.

To stop smoking for example, the smoker needs to feel the pain of knowing that he/she might develop lung cancer, turns non-smokers off, smells horrible to others, is completely controlled by an addiction that often dictates where the smoker will even go and how he/she feels physically. Even all that may not be enough! The smoker may need to go to a hospital and visit some patients who have emphysema with tubes in their throat (even see themselves in that position if they do not quit smoking) in order to make it real enough to feel the pain. What will make it real enough for you to change?

If you can feel the pain, then you're ready for the next step. It's time to replace this behavior/thinking pattern with the image of your dream relationship. What does this dream relationship look like? Write that down. If you have done it before, do it again! You cannot reinforce these ideas in your mind enough.

The objective is to get your scale to start tipping so that the pleasure you feel when thinking about the dream relationship becomes much greater than whatever you are getting out of the current behavior/thinking pattern. Any time that the current behavior/thinking pattern comes up for you, you need to feel the pain of what that current behavior/thinking pattern is costing you. Then you focus on the dream relationship.

What can you do to make the dream relationship more real to you? Spend time each day fantasizing about how it will feel to finally be in this relationship. What will it be like to wake up next to this person every day? Share a home together? Travel together? Share common interests? Make a collage of all the things that you will experience with this person. It's OK to cut out words and use things that are symbolic (i.e. a rose could symbolize the love that you'll feel with this person). Put reminders throughout your house. If you want to be married, wear a ring on your marriage ring finger telling the universe it is already so! Subscribe to a wedding planning magazine. Pick out your dress or best man now! Make room in your house (or at least your closet or bathroom) for that person. It's not silly. This is a way to embed your new thinking at the cellular level of your body.

You've probably done at least some of this affirmation work already. But the trick is that it won't work until you've realized the pain of the behavior/thinking holding you back and you've made the decision to stop doing and thinking what you have been in the past. That's why you haven't manifested your dream relationship yet.

It's very simple and can be done immediately: just make the decision! But getting to this point can be a process. And, in some cases, no pain no gain! Sending your self some unpleasant thoughts in the short term could result in some incredibly joyful thoughts in the long run. Not to mention the manifestation of your dream relationship!

Hether Ayres is President of MetaSingles.com, the new Relationship Growth focused online dating community for singles committed to self improvement and spirituality. MetaSingles.com connects like-minded singles, while supporting their growth through a variety of metaphysical tools and techniques.